i don't know what's wrong with me today, i just feel so messed up inside. i lost the one thing that was symbolic of us being together and maybe that's why i feel so alone. but more than that i just feel so... betrayed. i don't even know why. i guess just realising that all i ever had - and i'm not just talking about a here - was words. and words are so empty. i guess i just don't understand why nobody wants what i want to give them, why nobody gives anything in return. maybe it's selfish but... sigh. i don't know. i guess i'm just selfish, then. so tell me something i don't know.

i'm so confused n i feel so lost. i don't know what's going on. it might have something to do with graduation, big shock there, but more likely it's just... everything else. argh. i don't know.

ok, the truth? it sounds cheesy n it's way embarrassing but - i just need somebody to hold me tonight. somebody whom i can burrow into and cry, who will hold me tight and wipe away my tears... i don't know, i don't know. argh. i feel so pathetic. n weak. n loserish. maybe i am. argh. what the hell.

can't think. can't write. my head hurts [what's new?]. i realised today that if it turns out i have brain cancer or something, i think i'd be okay with it. as we all know, i hate this life. and like i said, death is one of three options. further, i believe there's two places i can go after that, and i'm leaning more towards the better one, let's not discuss why. ah well. we shall see. i might just freak out instead... like how people always say they wanna die but never mean it... like how the jumper regrets it the moment his feet leave solid ground. anyway it's not up to me.

today i discovered how to say it with the most precise meaning as yet. it goes something like... what would real love do? leave or stay? and if i leave, is it out of selfishness and wanting only to find something better? and if i stay, is it just me refusing to face reality and continuing to annoy? yeah. something like that. and guess what - i still haven't found any answers. sigh.

help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! :*(

all your life you've waited / for love to come and stay / and now that i have found you / you must not slip away / i know it's hard believing / the words you've heard before / but darling you must trust them just once more / cos baby goodbye doesn't mean forever / let me tell you goodbye doesn't mean we'll never be together again / if you wake up and i'm not there i won't be long away / cos the things you do my goodbye girl / will bring me back to you / i know you've been taken / afraid to hurt again / you fight the love you feel for me / instead of giving in / but i can wait forever / a-helping you to see / that i was made for you and you for me / so remember goodbye doesn't mean forever / goodbye doesn't mean we'll never be together again / though we may be so far apart you still will have my heart / so forget your past my goodbye girl / cos now you're home at last - so what happened to love and trust and forever? what happened to not being long away, or is ten weeks just a little itty bitty while for you?

i think for the past two weeks or so i've tried to be happy in other ways - which is good because it's helped me to think [marginally] less of him and not to call or sms him at all which i know he wants, but now it's clearer to me than ever that that's not what i want at all. i don't want to be just one of the many girls a guy knows or talks to online... even if he says special things to me. like, how do i know you don't say the same to other girls around? and i don't want to do that to guys either. it's bloody unfair and who am i to hurt others? besides, most of them are into sex and only sex, and i know for sure i'm not. i mean it's just something that can exist only between me and someone i truly love... and he has to love me back too, i suppose. yeah. ah whatever. i'm not really too clear on how things should be for us as christians, but i think that having ventured a little to the other side - now it's been nothing more than a peek from miles and miles away, i know, but still - i'm more sure than ever that the only way i can be truly happy is for everything and everyone to be the way it was before. i don't mean it in an i-can't-let-go way, but sorta like... i've gotta get myself back into situation[s] where circumstances can be like that again. i don't know exactly how to explain it but i'll say one thing, i belong with the gbers and i belong in church. and i belong to God. i know i'm eons away from where i should be now but i'm making my way back [both physically and otherwise] bc well that's where i belong and that's where i want to be. yeah.

speaking of God... i've just been ignoring all things spiritual for the past week or so. not bc of any friends or worldly temptations or anything but bc of mom. i don't think it's right but it remains true. it's not an excuse bc i'll admit freely that i miss sorely the times spent with God and in His word and well basically i miss just knowing He's near. well, i still know it, but i feel it less now bc i choose to feel it less. and i do miss it, i do want it back, but it just causes way too much dissonance and yeah, i know it should be God first, but i can't really help it if she's so inescapably there, if you know what i mean. and i told myself and God last week that it's only less than three weeks more and i would just take these three weeks off Him bc it was impossible otherwise. but now i realise i was wrong. it's impossible to live even a day - or even a minute or a second or a nanosecond or [u get the idea] - without Him. and i do miss Him. but what can i do? she won't shut up or go away, on the contrary she's cranking it up, and i know if i get back to God now it's just gonna fuck me up even more. and i don't know what to do! sigh. help me!!! *sob*

sigh. anyway. there's really only two people whom i've ever promised to love "forever" - moses and a. other guys i have said i loved, but i made no mention of forever. but these two... i know i will love them forever, even if i am forced to move on [and i have been, with m]. i guess what hurts with a is that... all he said about love and waiting and forever - i don't even know if he really meant them. i mean i'm sure at the time he meant to mean them, if you get my drift. but i don't know how much he still holds to them, if he holds to them at all. and it would sure as hell confuse me if he said he still loves me but just doesn't want to be together, bc if you love somebody doesn't that mean...?

then again, what does love really mean? that's what i've been trying to find out for myself all this while. okay, so i love him. where does that take me from here? do i wait for him forever? even if he doesn't want me to? bc that's what love is, isn't it? patience and longsuffering and endurance and... especially when i said forever. but on the other hand, am i just being selfish that way? just bc i want to be happy and it has to be with him? and what about wanting only his happiness? isn't that really what love is after all? and if i want him to be happy, do i go like he wants me to? but if i go i won't be able to love him, like actively. i'm so confused! and i guess most importantly... how to detach myself from it all? to really and truly love him and not for my own benefits? sure, i say i don't do it for anything i can get, but how true is that? and why else am i missing him, why else am i on the verge of wanting to look for someone else? then again... it was perhaps easier with m, bc i knew all along that it would never be and he never once indicated otherwise. but i guess... when it's clear you've gotten somewhere, you come to expect some things, and it hurts like hell when you stop getting them and for no apparent reason at that. and you know what else hurts? the lies, the anger, the refusal to acknowledge me. and the fact that i don't fit into your life any more and that you won't even tell me why and that it was so sudden and so unexplained and so singularly lacking in reason [or maybe i'm just forcing myself to be blind] and that ten weeks is such a bloody long time to wait and..... - dammit, i'm so bloody selfish. sigh. i'm sorry :*(

...how can a person be in so much pain and yet so easily forget how it is to hurt? how can a person just keep hurting others, forgetting the daggers that are stabbing their own hearts? - i'm sorry... i'm so so sorry :*(

ah fuck. sorry doesn't mean jack. if i don't say it, i'm proud, unapologetic, selfish. if i do, i'm insincere, just saying it for the sake of sounding sorry. fuck it... why are words so hollow, so meaningless, so superfluous? sigh. i don't know what to do any more.

it seems there are only three ways out:
1. drugs n a wild life - but anything this brings is temporary and hell, it's not even real!
2. religion - what the hell is it anyways, and does it even exist? [cynical answer = no.]
3. death - this at least has hope [even if it is tiny] for what they call an afterlife... not necessarily a religious one but perhaps a hope for something supernatural, a different and better reality [then again, isn't that being religious? i'm not sure]. but of course the downside is that either nothing at all comes after, or worse, whatever comes next is a hell worse more than now.

i don't know, i don't know. and all this on top of my faith as a christian, which i will say i am proud of even though it might all just turn out to be a farce. is it better to be blissfully ignorant? or are we to travel the world [spiritual not physical or maybe both?], see the sights, learn the tricks and the trades... and then make your choice? personally, i'd rather someone have seen and done it all and still choose me over the rest of the universe... rather than see and know only me, bc that way what happens with exposure? but then again, we aren't supposed to even try the world in the first place... so does God want blind submission or? - i tend to think not, but otherwise how? ...i guess we're just supposed to, living in this world and having tasted it [by choice or not], still choose Him over it all. which is easy for me, cos hey, true joy and the satisfaction of sacrifice is way better than artificial highs [hmm, really?]. but then we come full circle back to the question of whether or not we're supposed to tatse it in the first place, and..... you get my drift.

anyways. i guess i'll leave you with all that right now. hopefully this was somewhat coherent although the usual headache and neckache and inability to focus was going on. let me know ok? i need your help with this. i have too many questions and not a single answer. oh well, thanks to jennie [although she doesn't know i picked it up] and especially for daryl: "life is like the male reproductive organ....." ;)

bloody fuck... she is bloody pissin me off... seriously man, does she never get sick of her own fuckin voice??? fuck! i hate her so much... bitch. nevermind. i just sound like a stupid typical rebellious fuckin teenager bitchin abt her mom. which i am not, bc she's not a fuckin typical mom... oh fuck it. not like anyone's gonna get it. i swear... i am so going to kill her. soon.

fuck it. the whole blardy fuckin world is fuckin pissin me off. fuck. and i mean, give me a break here. it's not that i don't understand or that i don't wanna help, but... ah fuck it. whatever.

whatever. maybe i'm just bein fuckin selfish. whatever. i don't care. hate me! hate me! i want u to hate me!

fuck... i don't. i want u to love me. pleeease somebody just love me... anybody...

what the fuck is wrong with me????? :*(

fuckin tired. and im fuckin getting on everyones nerves. fuck. i wanted to blog but too bloody braindead. guess il just say the one thing thats been goin round n round my head n thats... no matter how many others i talk to, fall for, date, sleep with even, i don't think any will ever replace him, or be able to. ever. bc no one's gonna b able to share what we had, what we planned. then again, it might all just have been a lie. so forget it. whatever.

fuck it, i miss him so much. i don't want to sleep alone.....

on one hand, i'm bloody grateful to her for taking all the shit from the fucked up office bitch, and for trying to get the fucking visa renenwed. on the other, i feel like killing her slowly and watching her die... because she's such a fucking bitch sometimes. and there's no point trying to say what's wrong bc nothing can get the message through. i mean, any single isolated incident looks all tollable on the outside, and it's only when you see the whole that you'll ever know. and no matter what i say, nobody - but nobody - will ever see it all. so forget it. i know people are pissed at me and hate me for hating her so much. they're like, "get over it already!" - don't think i don't know. well anyone who thinks that way can very well go and fuck off. it's not what you think it is. no matter how few days are left. so fuck off.

i don't know. i'm so bloody fucked up. and i don't mean to push the blame, but it seems to be pretty much her fault. i guess i don't fully hate her [yeah, only partially, bitter laugh haha], but admit it, she's fucked up my life. for starters. i don't have any interests, any outside knowledge [i.e. other than what the bloody school curriculms contain] bc i'm bloody not allowed to. well, not that she doesn't want me to know anything else, but she doesn't let me learn anything. i can't buy books on whatever i'm interested in, bc we all know how bloody expensive books are and i don't have the dough to pay for them. so it's not that she gives me no money, but i'm supposed to buy every single damn bloody thing with it... not that i buy a lot, but... bloody hell. whatever. i don't know how to explain it without making myself sound like i'm just some greedy rich kid. back on topic... i can't learn stuff online bc she's hovering around 24/7 and i can't do a single bloody thing without having to drop it all and give her my fucking full attention for at least thirty bloody minutes. and it's "up to me" bc i'm not supposed to "do it for her only" but i have to ask myself if what i'm doing online is right or wrong or blah blah blah... and well evidently she doesn't even mean when she says it's "up to me" bc she just hangs around non stop watching to see that i don't. i mean, wtf? i'm not the one looking at porn here! i'm not allowed to have friends? fuck man. anyways. yeah, where was i? ok, so no books, no internet, no anything... even if i did have an alternative informative source which i don't, i'm really not supposed to be wastin my time learnin new stuff anyways, bc this world is gonna pass away and nothin, but nothin, will live on... that's why i should be like her and spend my whole life holed up in my house "safe and proud above the hot struggles of the poor" prayin n tellin my righteous friends to watch out for religiosity and to evangelise to those poor deprived souls... oh nevermind. i can't concentrate enough to get the sarcasm flowing. anyway. yeah, i honestly resent that i've been deprived of all and any opportunities to better myself. it's like, yeah, so far grades have sufficed, but now they want more... i have nothing, but nothing, to show. and that burns. dammit, i don't even know how to answer when people ask me what i do, what i like..... further, i think it's plain pathetic that the only pple i know are from online... i mean that's bloody sad... school doesn't count, even tho there are cool pple like jaz, michael ;) etc. bc it's not like i have a choice. but i mean i'm just not bloody allowed to go anywhere, to know anyone. i don't know. well it's not even that i wanna go clubbing n meet pple or anything, i don't. i just think it's sad that the only people i've ever had social contact with over the last two years are, well, jaz, and... that's it. i can literally count on one hand the number of times i've been out with other people [three, in case you were wondering]... i'm a sad case, i have no friends, or i can't go out with them... at least in sg i had the trusty gbers and tish, here i'm just fuckin alone. it fuckin hurts. n it's fuckin pathetic when the only people you know are faceless. dammit. i mean, the only places i ever leave my house for are, in order of time spent: school, church, bsc. and the occasional midvalley or jaz's house or somethin. but yeah. u get my point. i don't know. i can't do anything! and it's worse bc being holed up at home the way i am, i have literally nth to do, no books to read, can't buy them bc no dough [let's not go into that again], no tv or music - that's a given, literally nothin... fuck...

i don't know. i mean yeah everyone tells me it's just two weeks more, and yeah that's actually pretty true. but to tell the truth i'm afraid of what i'll do when i go back and find out how much i need to do to catch up with reality. i'm so fuckin scared.....

sometimes i wonder why i'm doing all this shit. i mean i haven't done it since the end of last january bc i met him and that was all i needed. and to tell the truth it feels nice at times, bc i know that whilst i'm hopeless and a lost case in real life, i do actually use words to my benefit, more often than not. it's where i can use the little charm that i've got. [ok, fine, disagree with me. whatever i don't care.] but i mean... yeah, one line i've been throwing around a lot these days, the only way to get over a guy is to be under another one - or more than one, in my case. of course, i use "under" figuratively - it ain't easy to be under no guy more than 300km away, and quite honestly, i don't think i would even if i could [despite what i do sometimes say]. but yeah... i've only managed to keep myself from thinkin bout him this past week by keepin myself busy talking to other guys [i rarely talk to girls on irc, somehow my bitch factor just soars way high]. and it's peachy in its own way, but i guess it's just like drinkin, or drugs, or even slashin yourself... u know you're not *really* happy n it's just a high that's hidin the real pain [let's not get started on the whole "but cutting yourself brings pain!" debate] and deep down it's all just being buried but not ever going away. yeah. "for her there was still only one that counted. only one she'd loved." and that's fuckin true.

i don't know... so many lil ironies... like how i used to think his hope was all sweet and admirable like g's "incorruptible dream" except now i'm the one who realises how "[i] felt married to [him], that was all." [geez i can't believe i'm quoting this! don't embarrass me people. pretend i never said it.] or like how he used to cry for me - "please tan just one chance" - and how i felt as if i'd screwed up his whole life, and that everythin's the other way round now... well i still feel i screwed him up but that's besides the point. i read the contents of the 3 blue envelopes just now and i couldn't help but cry cos it's all just so stupid... i'm sure he meant what he wrote then but i'm just wonderin what happened in between, and how i could have been so blind to miss it. but i don't think i am entirely to blame. it's hard to read anything from 300 000m away, and more so when you aren't privileged to hear... it hurts that he has to lie to me to keep me off his nerves; is that what i've driven him to? or is he just really all that sick of me? it's pretty much clear that i don't fit into his life any more; that he really doesn't like me, bc he no longer "cherish[es] every phonecall, every sms, and every letter [he] receive[s] from [me]." and i think, one one of the biggest ironies, an irony within an irony, i won't spoil it by explaining, but... "funny, how things started between us / just like playtime and games / you came, you saw / you conquered all of me / but then, things didn't work out so right / love became one big fight / you walked away / it's funny i could cry. / all day i'm alone by the phone / hoping that you will call / there's nothing much to do / just thinking of you / if you should ever need me some day / i'm never far away / i miss you so / it's funny i could cry. / will you remember me / and will you smile / perhaps you'll stop awhile to wonder where i am / and if someday you find / i'm always on your mind / i'll be right here / with the love you left behind." sigh. what can i say? at least his hope came to something. it's not my fault i couldn't live up to it. i tried, dammit, i tried. you can't say i didn't give anything bc why else am i so empty right now? if you were a martyr, i wonder what that makes me.

i think i can understand now how people just have flings and quick romances; i never used to be able to but now i do. and i think i even know why. somehow, it just helps you forget. when you're pretending to love someone else, you suppress the real feelings you have for the real one. and it feels good for a bit. but when you're alone, that's when you feel the bite. and you know no matter what you do, you haven't let go. not yet.

i don't know if he'll read this entry. last time we talked he said he reads it on random days. not that that means anything, bc i update so rarely that he'll probably end up seeing all of them. and i wonder how he'll react to this. i hope he won't be too angry. it hurts that i can't even think without him being mad. and i know he gets angry bc he blames it all on himself, sayin it's his fault i got all fucked-up like. but it's not, dammit. he just won't see. n he keeps thinkin mom's blamin him for everythin... well for starters she's got nth to blame now that there's #3, and even if she was blamin him, why does he give a fuck? we all know what she's like. i dunno. anyways. yeah i jus hope one day he'll realise nth is his fault. and even if it is, it's no use him feelin bad, bc i mean if the love's not there, it's not there, period. no use feelin bad; nth anyone can do about it. and it's not like i'm blamin him, dammit. sigh.

he says we'll "work things out" in june, but i'm pretty sure it's just gonna be a final goodbye. all i want back is my pooh book, my class photo, and the sims cd-rom - i'll see what else i can think of, tho. and i'll give him back whatever he wants. [darn, reminds me, i gotta get back that lit book... shit... gonna fuckin embarrass myself. i mean God knows i didn't mean a thing but sometimes i'm just too bloody honest for my own good. had nightmares abt it for the longest time; i honestly feel nth more than respect n appreciation, but... shit. help! ah well.] of course, although i'm too deadened to find it right now, there's probably a tiny wild hope still sparking away inside me that says it might just turn out to be a patch up instead of a good bye. but yeah, i'm more or less "come to terms with the fact that we might not be. together, that is." [another irony - sigh.] i guess it just hurts me knowing that for a long long time yet, if not entirely forever, i'll never again love anyone the way i loved [still am lovin] him. and i might just never, ever get over him. not that i want to feel this way - it's bloody painful, dammit - but i just can't find any way to force feelings to stop or start at my command. if i could i would! but somehow, to me, that's not the way love operates. that's why if i ever do get together again, or have a fling or even a date, i don't think i'll easily be able to say i love the next guy... i'll let you know.

sigh. at least i've gotten all this off my chest. stuff i've wanted to say for literally weeks and weeks, but just haven't been able to gather my thoughts enough to say it. my head hurts like hell now; i'm beginning to wonder, after daily headaches and blood pounding nonstop in my temples, if all that handphone radiation hasn't given me brain cancer after all. "choy," i know, but it's true. maybe - hopefully - it's just the heat, but you can't know how much i suffer. it's just too bad.

well. it's been another shitty depressing day, and i've only got 42sen left in my phone so i can't even sms anyone to cheer myself up. well i guess that's good bc i only annoy pple when i do that. they don't say it but i'm pretty darned sure that they *waves around long list of names* are all really pissed off at me now, wishing i'd just shut the fuck up. yeah. people who read my blog too. sigh. maybe you're right, maybe i'm just wallowing in my own problems. who cares. whatever. like jizztroy said, happy depression. yeah. at least it's happy. and hey, at least another day is ending. and i'm gonna go run 2k now and then collapse. and hey, guess what! nice surprise of the day, aunty alice just came with a sweet lil graduation gift. awwwh. should have invited her for the dinner too. oh well. anyways.

on another note, since i've showed off being rachel green for long enough, i have just one question.....


You are smart and sexy!


Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
if i'm so "smart and sexy," why doesn't anybody want me? which only goes to show that i've been right all along - i'm just a fat ugly nobody who isn't anywhere near worth lovin. i mean, you can't argue with the facts right? *sigh*

p/s - have i mentioned lately that no matter how much i appreciate blogger and yaccs, they really are starting to piss me off? fuck.

looks like yet another post-3am night. nice. freedom tastes so sweet, even if it is only temporary.

sorry to disappoint numerous people but i decided not to bother posting that blog the other day [if u don't know what i'm talking about, forget it]. it's just that... words turn so stale so quickly... and anyway, nothin can ever really say what i want to say. nvm.

i don't know. i think i've experienced a semblance of happiness these past few days, primarily bc exams are over, and even though i didn't make it right up there, well 3 has always been my favourite number [even though it would have been nice to have my name on the little gold plates, haha]. and at least i don't have to embarrass myself in front of everyone. the ircing has been somewhat nice i must say especially the suaning on #mgs... i've missed ircing... but i guess in some ways i'm really not being who i am... sure they lift my spirits but hell, i know they don't mean it anyways, and the fact remains... i'm still bloody in love with him. fuck it, you don't stop lovin someone just bc they've changed, just bc you've changed. that's not what it's about. n i don't like the hurting but is this any better? i think not. my stupid problem now is, how do i get myself out of it? fuck.

so many thing's i've been wanting to blog every day; i open up wordpad every time i come online but i just can't find the words. still can't. my fucking language is going down the fucking drain. and i don't even know who i am any more, what i am.

cmon... where are the words when i need them? :*(

all my photos are falling down... i guess it's about time. three weeks to independence... three weeks and i'll be free. but what good is freedom if you've got no one to share it with? what's the use of a dark, dreary future? are we all really better off alive?

fate operates in the strangest ways... it springs on you at the most inopportune moments. i don't want to be this way... and yet i find myself doing it. i don't want to frighten you away... don't be scared, please... give me time... and give me a chance. i don't want to be sorry to have to leave... we shall see... we shall see.

the wonders of a really sharp blade... and to think that it's still severely lacking. i think my style has evolved... i remember a tentative, gentle scraping, where you would see lines in the clot. but now i find a steady decisive stroke calms me better. does it hurt? of course. that's the point! but oh the relief as you watch the skin part... it feels so good to see the hole in the flesh, and the blood slowly welling up. and then you just drag the blade further along and it yields so easily and it's so nice to see the gap widen and lengthen and more and more and more blood... and by that time it doesn't even hurt any more, there's just a flooding release in the flow of the blood. this way's loads better than just scraping with the tip: for one, there's more blood, so naturally more release; for another, just one or two are enough, rather than five or six or twenty(!!!), except for that one time when i actually needed eight. but that sort of desperation rarely builds up, especially when i remember to let it go at regular intervals. of course, this way leaves darker, deeper marks - but hey, a scar's a scar, ya? ;)

why is the blogger server being so bloody stubborn? or maybe it's just jaring screwing around [again]. oh well.

i'm wondering why i'm even bothering to do the work. not like i care any more, and even if i did, not like it's gonna aid things. maybe it's just that ms sahari's so nice i can't let her down. whatever. not like it matters in any case.

so after i get through this and have some time, i'm gonna start doing the thing i've always wanted to do... pack up my room real neat, pull together any scraps that might incriminate me and make a nice bonfire out of them, take stock of what i have and what isn't, possibly make a will not that there's anybody i care to give anything to any more except maybe tish *fellowpig* and okay possibly ty... and then i'm gonna gather the courage to end three lives. yeah. i don't care. face it... if you deserve to die, you deserve to die. me too, and that's why mine is the third. i don't care if it's wrong or selfish or whatever. or even if i did, it's not gonna matter when i'm dead. so yeah. the other two people better be ready, that's all i can say.

i don't even know why i still bother. first off, i don't think anyone really gives a fuck. not only that, i don't even care much myself. secondly... even if anyone did care, even if i did, what difference would it make? like anyone could do anything about anything? i don't know... whatever... i don't care.

i think literally only three people really care now. maybe not even that. and of those three, only two people i care to talk to myself. [well, i would talk to the other, but i don't think he'll get it... besides... HMMMM]. well not that it even matters any more. not that anything does.

yeah i'm not gonna go on any longer. it's just a waste of time, energy, words... so whatever. whatever. i can't be fucked. the whole world can go and die i don't give a damn. as for god? well i don't know if he exists but if he does, i guess he just hates me too. i don't give a damn. it's not like i deserve to be helped anyways. so yeah. whatever. who cares. stupid fucking existence. stupid fucking everybody and everything. fuck off and die.

what do you do when the only thing you have are words and even those disappear... when no matter how long you stare at the blankness, no matter how hard you will yourself to, you just can't get it out? - and yet you know from the storm raging inside that you have to, you have to, before you break down and die. what do you do when you run out of things to say, when all you need is a warm comfortable place where you can curl up with a warm comfortable person to cry, when you're so stubborn that only one warm comfortable person will do? what do you do when you wake up crying, any number of times in the mid of the night, and every single morning... when you leave your house only when you absolutely have to, and then come home right away and crawl straight into bed... when you spend the most part of your life wrapped so tightly in your blanket with only tears and chocolate for comfort? what do you do when you don't even have the energy or money for any of that? what do you do when you know you're just rambling but you just can't stop the flow... when you know you're falling but you just can't get a hold to steady yourself... when you know you're breaking but you just can't find the strength? what do you do when you're so desperate you'd give everything, anything, just for what you want, what you need? what do you do when people take advantage of it? and you know they don't really mean to give it to you, they're just grabbing what you're holding out to them, and they're gonna get it and leave... and you know it but you can't help it, bc you just wanna lull yourself into believing the lie, even if it's just for the shortest while, that you're gonna be okay. what do you do when you're so desperate you'd give anything, but anything, to survive... and yet you don't even know why you want to other than that it's a natural instinct, bc deep down you really just want to die... or at least to fly away to another place where you can be free from all this doubt and pain and regret... to a place where you can once again live for the illusion you once had in your mind.

what do you do when you know the people you love most are just too tired to care... they just roll their eyes and sigh with impatience, they just read the words and react with exasperation, they don't mean ill but they can't see how real it is and you're not just doing it to get pity? what do you do when nobody believes you, when everybody doubts you, when you can't trust a soul? when you just can't be bothered to explain any more bc you know although they say yes, although they plaster sympathy over their words and their faces, although they try to force understanding into their eyes - beneath it all they just can't wait for you to snap out of it, to stop being a bitch, to go get a life? when you know there are things to say but realise it's better not to say them bc not like it's gonna make a difference anyway, you'll just sound like you're making excuses, you'll just be misunderstood, people will just start asking questions and for the sake of "friendship and concern" they'll start their usual gossiping... and you stop caring once and for all if anyone even gives a damn, bc hell, you don't care either [or do you?], you don't really see the point.

you live, you die. who cares what you do in between? who you love who you hate, who you sleep with who you don't, why you even do it in the first place... who you're friends with who you aren't, if you care or if you don't, if you work, if you hope, if you love... who even gives a damn? what's the point of it all anyways, when you ultimately don't leave anything behind? sometimes i think, heck, just go ahead and do what it takes to be happy, no matter what the cost... other times i'm just like why even bother.

i don't know. what other choice is there than to die? don't answer me if all you've got to say is caustic. i don't give a damn about that. in fact, i probably don't even give a fuck about sweet comforting words either, stupid ungrateful bitch that i am. so yeah, just forget me. don't let me screw up your life. get rid of me while you're still ahead. i'm sorry for even living. i'm sorry i even exist.

well... like one singly happy tinkle of a tiny bell, i guess i still know that God sees even if He doesn't always seem to help enough, not that we know what's enough or not which is why the key word is seem... and He always sends someone to help when you most need it. always. l i could almost believe you're an angel. thank you.

"tell me why the stars dance through the heavens, tell me why we laugh and we cry. sing to me the purpose of living, show me when is the right time to die..."

i finished it! i finished the insert! i will probably regret it but for now... i finished it! hurrah... i think. i will mail it to people as soon as i am sure it is final.

priscilla i love you! i really really do.

i guess what makes me cynical is that no matter where you come from, no matter how much you've got, you still can't seem to be happy. well, some people do, and i guess i gotta learn what they've got. but essentially... everybody has their own little things that make them jaded - some inexplicable childhood event; a mess-up in the family tree; a personal defect; the list goes on... and no matter how hard you try, you can't get away from it. so all that's left to it is that you gotta get over it. which some people manage to do, whereas others.....

i know i gotta learn to get over the past... move on with those memories... but i don't know; somehow, i don't know what else can make me happy. i don't know what i want in life - except to be happy. but how can you be if you don't even know what can make you? maybe if i were to know what i want in life, i could strive for it and learn how to be happy. but i don't even know. i don't even know what i don't want. and so i guess i just look to the things that made me happy before, and i wish and wish again for that. even though i know plain well that i can't.

and you can't always be relying on people to cheer you up... you can't always expect them to support you, even if they are your closest friends, or even a sister. ahem. yeah, bc everyone has their own fuck ups that they're worrying about... their own problems with the past, the present, the future. it's not that i think i'm the only one with problems around here... i know well enough that i'm not. and it's not like i expect people to always be rallying around me, saying it's alright, it'll be okay, blah blah blah... bc i know they've got their own things that need to be alright and to be okay... i know there are others who need to hear it from them too. but i think my problem is that, like i've said before, i can't get over it. somehow. i just can't. i don't know why. sometimes it just seems there is no way out.

i don't know... sigh... i don't know. i don't want to get started again because i know some people are just gonna pour acid again, maybe bc they think it's very fun. remember, only the guilty have reason to be defensive.

"she called. she called before she left! yay!" ... sigh .

ever wished you could undo the past? :/ remember... everything has its consequences. and it doesn't mean so much to me but it does mean more than nothing. sigh :/ ah well. you reap what you sow. and besides... by now i should be used to fucking up. sigh. by now you'd think i'd have learnt. :(

two down, two to go... eleven [damn, that's fourteen *scowls*] days to the end, two weeks to finding out for sure the painful truth [although i already know what it'll be, dammit], three weeks to the real end, and then.....

we shall see.

i started up again last night. i didn't really mean to, and i definitely didn't do it out of spite or to hurt anybody, but i just couldn't take it any more... i was so bloody angry and so bloody tired... physically, as well as just being weary, tired of life kinda thing... like i said it's not really that i want to die - i don't think i do, or at least i don't feel ready to - but i just want to get away. but i can't. well..... i stopped at three; three really light ones, but it wasn't because of the pain, it wasn't because i regretted it... it was just because i was so tired, so tired... i didn't even have the energy to carry on. and then there were the tears, which didn't let me see. not that they were a problem - not that they ever were.

so then i curled up into as tiny a ball as possible, refused to touch a thing but my blanket which i was rolled into - not even my phone, not even my bolster, not even the brown dog ["just hug the brown dog and everything will be alright" ...sigh] - and then i cried myself to sleep. and even then i couldn't get away... even then i was plagued by ghostly images. and even though it was a good dream, a nice dream... i woke up crying softly because i knew it wasn't true... and it never will be. and that hurts.

"just say you love me"

sigh i'm so bloody fucked up. i'm sick and tired of living with this fucked up family. mom is being nice(r) i think, but at times she still bloody pisses me off... real bad... and then ty is nice too sometimes but at times he's so bloody selfish... just now, his stupid computer hung, and he restarted it and went up immediately to bathe [pretend only, don't worry], and then he took like half an hour... fucked up man... and then when he came back down and got back online, all my friends were gone, offline... and i got so bloody pissed off that i lost my blogging mood, even though there is/was so much i want(ed) to say... and then now just tired and sian and angry and fucked up, and no mood to write senior insert - and the bloody thing is due tomorrow, fuck it - or to review stuff for the exam. i'm all fucked up. sigh.

and i'm really running out of steam... sometimes i just want to go for it even though i know it's wrong... it's still in my power to do it... i think... sigh. i want to be patient... i'm trying so so hard... but maybe it's just that i'm realising more than ever that it's never gonna work out... that we have different ideals... that he's changed, or maybe was always this way and what we had before was only a pretence... i love him so much and i would give everything for him, i would... but i guess we see things differently... and i wonder if he is lying to me... i always give him the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes it's just so obvious things aren't as he portrays them to be... i just want to die now. sometimes he still says things to make me feel better, and i do for a while, but then deep down i know things aren't the way he says they are... i don't know... and he says we'll work things out in june, but somehow i think he means that it'll be our final goodbye. sometimes i just want to hate him, to leave him for ever and to hate him, but i can't... i just love him too much. and i don't ever want to love again... if he doesn't love me back, i don't want there to be another one... if i ever really need the sex i'll just go have a fling or an affair, but i won't let myself get emotionally involved... but how does anybody have sex without the emotions? i don't know... what the heck am i talking about? shit man i just want to die. diediedie. maybe i should. then i don't have to do the bloody exams.....

i don't know if he'll read this... he said he didn't read my blog but then he left a comment so i don't know what's going on now... if he's reading it... i don't know... maybe it'll drive him away, although i hope not but i think it will. but i can't stop myself from feeling just bc he doesn't like it. i'm not blaming him for anything but if he wants to believe that everyone is then there's nothing i can do about things. i love him but he won't see it. or maybe he loves somebody else. i don't know. i don't think so... but then again, you never know. "you think you know somebody really well, and then you find out..." jb knew what she was saying when she wrote those words. i don't know... it's my blog after all, if i can't tell the truth here, where else can i go? i don't want to drive him away, all i want now is for him to love me again, but he won't... i could give him so much, but he won't let me... i guess he just doesn't want me any more. maybe he wants somebody else. or maybe he just wants other things. i'm just hurting myself, knowing it could never work out, because he would always be lying. what we had before... in some ways it was all a lie. eyes flashing in anger, but voice held as calm and steady as the rain... that kind of thing. i know. he doesn't say it, won't ever say it, but i know. i guess i knew all along, and maybe that was why i tried to get as much as i could out of it before it caught up with me. he made me happy, whether he meant it or not. i guess what hurts is the thought that maybe he didn't... or even if he did, he doesn't mean to any more. and worse still, nobody else can... bc he is the one i love... the only one who can make me smile. i just want to go back to living that lie... at least i was happy then. and nothing else mattered, because life ends anyways and isn't it alright to just try to be happy for our short lives? even if it is through a lie? that was why i was happy last night, even though i spent the last five dollars of my credit on him... because just for those two minutes, he made me happy again... just for those two minutes we were back in the lie... the one that made me happy. sigh. but today he burst my bubble.

sigh. i don't know. if he's reading this... he'll probably be all fucked up by now... or just fucking angry with me... hatred burning up inside. i don't even know any more. i can't even send a message without thinking about it for twenty minutes beforehand... i can't even say a thing without being so scared he'll be angry, without being so scared he'll hate me, without feeling as if i'm committing a crime. i don't know... maybe we shouldn't even bother to talk things out, bc it's not gonna work out anyway and i think he knows that but just doesn't want to tell me that now bc i'm in the midst of my stupid exams. i know that in some ways, he still cares... which is a good thing of course... but *sigh* i don't know. if you're reading this... don't be angry... please... i just have to say it all here or i might end up saying it straight to you, and wouldn't that be a worse thing? if you're reading this... i didn't force you to... i don't know... i don't ever want to lose you but maybe i already have. and maybe i already know it, but don't want to see that it's true. if you're reading this... what can i say, what can i do, to prove that i really do love you? "if you love somebody let them go... if they come back to you then you'll know... that it was meant to be." maybe deep down, i know it isn't, and you won't. maybe. i don't know. if there's one thing you can believe in all your life... i hope it will be that i love you with my whole being, i do... i really do. if there's one person you remember all your life... it probably won't be me... but i hope it is. i don't know... i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i'll die if you want me to.

i hate my life. i don't want to die, really; i just want to get away... to escape... to some alternative reality... but who can give that to me? where can i find one? i don't know. i'm so fucked up! sigh... *cries softly* good night. [fuck the senior insert... if i have time i'll do it tomorrow if not i don't care. sigh.]

..... SHIT MAN I HATE THAT BITCH i wish she would fuck off and die..... bitch. sigh :*(

oh and by the way... i fucked up my english paper one yesterday... screwed it up big time... so yeah... to hell with that... i'm gonna fail my ibs!!! - so tell me something new. i always knew i was a failure! maybe now somebody - anybody - will believe me.

as for other things... i don't even know where i'm going... don't even know where i want to go... besides somewhere dark and quiet to die but i don't think that's a possibility here...

shit man i'm beginning to wonder if i'm manic-depressive... yeah, bipolar sort of thing... or maybe it's just the chocolate high wearing off... i need more... more more more...

what the fuck.

today is a damn fucked up day. it actually started last night... i fell asleep with the lights on, and of course that did the usual thing to me... woke up at 2am to turn them off but the damage was done and i felt it when i woke up at 9something this morning. things started to look a bit better when i actually managed to get some math done in the late morning, but then i accompanied marlyn and mom to bsc and it was downhill all the way from there. bc mom as usual started in with her stupid shit about whatever... she just wouldn't stop... everything i do is wrong... it fucking pisses me off! i mean, we forget to buy bread, and there she goes, on and on and on for no cause, saying how the sin nature is taking over when we go and do our own thing, and how we're not respecting authority, and a whole bunch of totally unrelated crap... and i say i don't see the connection and she just goes on and on and on for another twenty minutes... and then when we get home she just goes on and on and on at ty... this and that... drives me crazy!!! oh i just remembered. i had to put away the vegetables again this morning, the little *token* she always saves for me when she gets back from the market, even if i come down late, bc i "have to learn" - my ass! - and so it was all wet and muddy and disgusting, and then there were these mucked up rubberbands, and she can't even help me get a pair of scissors bc i "have to learn" ...and then i had to hunt for a stupid staple bullet in a huge pile of tiny green leaves just so it won't wind up sticking in somebody's throat, and she can't even help me... "be patient" what about her? geez. and she just keeps going on and on and on... listening to my phone calls, of course *pretending* not to but i'm not as stupid as she thinks i am thank you very much... and then i just ask her one little thing and she starts up all over again... can't she just say no instead of pretending to give me my *freedom* and then right away dragging me off on this whole stupid guilt trip... of course we all know she just *wants* me to say no "out of my own free will" so nobody can blame her... well making me listen to that crap for a few damned hours isn't exactly giving me free choice, you know... geez... i'm nineteen for goodness' sake, if i can't handle myself i might as well go drown myself which i'm already contemplating anyway... it's so fucking annoying, we can't do anything... it's fucking driving me crazy... i think i'm going to kill somebody soon! >:*(

i don't know... i don't know... i don't hate her... i just wish she'd shut the fuck up, just for once... everybody tells me i'll miss her when i go and it's not that i won't miss her the person but i'm definitely not gonna fondly remember the endless preaching and her endless telling me Where I Went Wrong And How I Should Change... it's fucking annoying i tell you... and the way she won't even let us do a single fucking thing, and then gets mad when we go do anything ourselves... i mean everybody knows if you keep someone from something(s) too much, that person's gonna go do it anyways, and gonna go way overboard with it just bc you said no all the time... shit man... and she just can't stop telling me how wrong i've got with this stupid fucked up school and all its stupid fucked up people well excuse me but if i remember rightly i wasn't the one who asked to come here if you'd just let me stay home where i was happy then maybe i'd be fine oh but wait i'm always wrong aren't i, even if i'm not really i still am right? so what's the point... but yeah it's not my fucking fault... and even ms russell said i was a strong person... really great compliment from her there *smiles* but yeah i mean take a look around man! i know i've fucked up a whole lot but can't you see... oh what's the use. i mean, she thinks i've gone wild, well hello, i'm not the one printing out porn, i'm not the one who doesn't give a flying fuck about God, i'm not the one who's so addicted to a stupid game that i'm playing it 24/7!!! ...ah what the heck. i can't be bothered anymore i'm getting away from it all in like a month or at most five weeks and i'm not going to give a damn about it after that... i'm gonna live my own life... i know she thinks i'm gonna go wild well to hell with anything they say i'm sick of living just for them... i realise now i was never ever living for A but instead it was all for them... yeah i know they love me and yeah i love them too but dammit that's nowhere near reason enough to force me into a little tiny box even if they think that's good for me... bc it's not and we all know it... and if they're gonna be stubborn and blind i can't help that at all. i know they think i'm gonna get drunk with freedom and well maybe they're right! but it's not gonna be my fault bc i'm not the one who stifled myself all these years so i never learned how to handle it! it's not my fucking fault... not one fucking bit! and furthermore, i'm gonna try not to... i might for a bit but whatever it is i'm living for God now i know she doesn't believe it, thinks i'm some kind of slut or whore who only cares for the world, only follows its way... well i don't give a fuck what she thinks whatever i do is gonna be for me and God now and if she thinks i'm fucking up well that's her fucking problem from now on and i don't fucking care not one bit! *fumes*

dammit i'm so fucking pissed off i don't know how i'm going to concentrate on math... i need chocolate man... big time... i don't care about the calories any more... shit... i'm sorry jaz but at least we'll have dinner together and if the alarm goes off just call me ok? i'm sorry :/

fuck it