if i remember rightly... today is cheryl's birthday... happy birthday cheryl, wherever you are, whoever you are! *sighs nostalgically* ...happy birthday to gavin too.

friday may 2nd 1000-1215 english a1 hl paper 1
monday may 5th 1300-1515 math hl paper 1
tuesday may 6th 0800-1115 math hl paper 2
friday may 9th 0800-1000 english a1 hl paper 2
thursday may 15th 1300-1415 anthro hl paper 1
friday may 16th 0800-1215 anthro hl papers 2 and 3
monday may 19th 1300-1645 physics hl papers 1 and 2
tuesday may 20th 1100-1215 physics hl paper 3
friday may 23th psych internal assesment [i will suffer in this with carl]
friday may 30th graduation
saturday may 31st freedom!

i'm so excited! :D somebody give me a hug... please?

i think something is wrong with the blogspot server. i can't get to any of the blogs, except A's and jazzy's. that really blows, bc i don't know if i will be coming on again today - really gotta get down to studying. sigh.

i think tomorrow marks the beginning of a new and scary era of my life. well, almost. other than being labour day as well as gavin's birthday [happy birthday gavin!], it's also the beginning of a month [okay, three weeks] of ib exams, after which i'll have about ten days to comb through my room and throw away every last piece of trash so that the movers can pack it up efficiently for me. in exactly a month, it's graduation [which mom seems to be a little too excited about :/ ], and then i'll be moving back home - finally!!! :D

i don't know... i'm actually really looking forward to it [so tell me something i don't know! heh]... and i'm really waiting for the day when i can meet up with A and talk the whole mess over. bc he did say we would do that, "when i go back in june." he's been really wonderful lately, telling me not to worry, to focus on ibs and we'll clear things up in june. that first call really did help me a bit... plus the fact that i'm convinced that whether or not we get back together, we'll both be fine and happy walking in the will of God. :)

just to clarify a little... those verses i posted yesterday... really didn't mean them to sound all random and preachy. bc i know - and was reminded by what someone *ahem* said yesterday [don't worry i'm not offended, i'm glad you pointed it out to me] - that posting random verses can sound rather sudden and irrelevant at times. and i do appreciate that, bc words when taken out of context can sometimes be the sharpest and most painful. i guess those few [okok eight] verses just mean a lot to me right now, and each has been singularly encouraging and uplifting in this and similar circumstances. so i just wanted to... share the highs that they've brought to me, i guess.

well. whatever it is, i just don't want to sound all *holy* [to be differentiated from holy] and *preachy* ... i've met too many people like that to not know how much of a turnoff it is.

ok i'm not going to bother to wait for the server to come back up... or whatever problem it is to resolve itself. plus it's going to rain soon, judging from that rumbling i hear [and no it's not my stomach and no that's not funny! hmpf]. i'm really tired... drained... for no reason... and i've got to study! ... sigh.

i'm such a fucking selfish bitch! i realised that for the millionth time today, and as always, it was as piercing a discovery as if it were new. argh. i don't give a fuck about society [screw them, for being so incompetent!], i don't give a fuck about others' feelings, and i just keep on taking and taking and taking. damn! why can't i just snap out of this? geez.

i think that's why i really just wanna curl up in a dark little hole and wait for the end, just so that i can maybe [hopefully] quit using people. contrary to popular belief, i don't actually feel good about it... seriously...

sometimes i wonder how it is that i can remain so jaded and cynical, and at the same time be so hopelessly in love with a Person who is simply so perfect and who loves anyone and everyone without judging. i wonder how it is that whilst on one hand i try to do what is Right, to live solely for the One that i love so much, i can still on the other hand be so sharp and haughty and ungraciously critical. i think a large part of it boils down to the idea of trying to remain at a distance, creating the desired impression. the drift that's coming to me is... to step down, step back a little, try to be a little more aware of the battering ram that plagues me before i start noticing the microscopic fragments that exist in others. i think what remains for me to do is to keep on reading the Bible, and not just colouring orange the parts that i like, but actually carve them into my flesh and soul, until they are part of my very being. i know a lot of people who give me wondrous amazing advice - tish, pamela, A [naturally!], maler, g, the list goes on - but i think it's essential to remember that there's only One who knows literally everything, and it's that Person whom we shoud turn to. at all times.

what else... learn to be more gracious, more accepting, more loving... not just to those oppressed or those i do not know, but even to those whom i expect highly of... realising that whilst it is a compliment to do so, more than that it is my place to love and accept and nurture when they fall short. but that's just oh so hard! :/ instead of simply knowing, actually have to start living... making people feel better and, simultaneously, myself. and above all, doing it for the One who literally died to save me! :/ walking the walk instead of simply talking the talk... keeping my cynicism at a healthy level, not blindly accepting but cautiously approaching and questioning, but leaving the disillusionment for the things of the world rather than its people. bc i think that whilst a lot of people seem almost to deserve it, what they really actually need - want [read: are craving desperately for] - is l o v e. i mean, come on, just take a look at myself! *cringes*

i've gotta rush this more than i would really like, bc i've got to go get ready for senior seminar [anything to miss a day of school!]... just a few last thoughts... one, i once heard a speaker describe in great detail the process of crucifixion... apart from all that we already know, all the conventional typical easter-ish stuff [in no way do i mean to downplay the event but some of it has achieved cliche status you must admit, and thereby lost its meaning], the roman soldiers also did this terrible and inhumane thing... they took a little block of timber, and one of those cruel nails... rested on the wood block my saviour's private organ [stop sniggering over there this is tragic], and drove right through the center of it - right through the central nerve, with one purposeful force - that sharp evil nail... right through to the timber block. ok, maybe i'm the only one who didn't know this. but it stung me so... i'm not even a guy so i can't even begin to comprehend the pain... but i can imagine what it must be worse than. so yeah, if He went through that for me, then necessarily i should go through anything for Him, right? what could be worse than that??? ... two, just a few meaningful verses... my dilemma is not to appear haughtily evangelistic and not to seem to laud it over others... i don't mean even remotely to imply that people are faithless or weak simply because they do not adhere to the following. the thing is, i have infinite trouble with it too, the whole walking the walk thingy. and if struggling is a sign of weakness, then i will be the first to admit that i must be one of the weakest ever. i still do constantly think of death as an escape, of leaving behind this draining reality. but these are just a few uplifting encouragements that guide me through, and i guess i just hope that others will be encouraged as i have been by these... bc the One Person that never fails to cheer me up is, of course, the Author [Inspirer] of all these works! so here they are... the few that i have time to bang out before i fly into a mad rush! :p

"the Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit." - psalm 34:18
"trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." - proverbs 3:5,6
"commit your works to the Lord, and your thoughts will be established." - proverbs 16:3
"delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart." - psalm 37:4
"and we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." - romans 8:28
"but seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you." - matthew 6:33
"rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus unto you." - 1 thessalonians 5:16-18

ok i'm damn late now so yeah i'll clarify whatever i can think of another time... till then...

it's raining on and off; hopefully that gives me enough incentive [read: scares me enough] to keep this short.

i'm bloody pissed off at the whole fucking world [waitaminute what's new??]... why can't people just see that it's not all about that... oh what the fuck. words aren't of any use any more. - not that they ever were in the first place [and so i ask myself why i even bother to write].

yeah so i'm gonna shut up now even though it's stopped raining and i still have a lot of bitching to do. i'm thinking maybe i really should just erase myself from this reality... i'm not gonna bother going into the reasons. i'm such a fucking bitch.

i've been so damn tired recently, and i don't even know why. i just come home and go straight to bed... and i don't wake up until it's time for dinner (or i just don't eat it - don't have much of an appetite sometimes anyway) or to take a bath... and then i go right back to sleep. i haven't been getting any homework done at home; it's all just rushed in the morning before school, or during my frees, or during lunch. i haven't been studying at all, which is probably a very bad thing considering the fact that my exams start next friday and run for three weeks after that. i'm really gonna fuck up my ibs.

i really don't know what it is. for once, it's not even about being lazy. it's just... i really don't have the strength or energy to do anything... every day i'm just so physically and mentally worn out. it's not even about not wanting to do work any more; now it's even a chore to come downstairs and go online... it's even a chore to eat. i can't even properly enjoy my chocolate any more, i still buy lots of it but when i actually get down to eating it... i just stare at it and feel like throwing up. and so i end up forcing it all down my throat before going back to sleep again in an attempt to forget the nausea. i'm just so bloody tired... by after lunch today i had a splitting headache and i was so damn bloody tired... went to ampang point with krisy and bought a chocolate sundae but i threw more than half of it away (couldn't eat). i fell asleep in the car and when i reached home i went straight to bed. i wouldn't have woken up if i hadn't had to go to church (friday bible class of sorts)... took a shower but didn't eat dinner, attempted to stuff some chocolate down my throat... and now here i am. my headache is still there worse than ever, my stomach is trying its hardest to eject the chocolate i shoved into it, and guess what, i'm still intolerably exhausted. i used to at least take pleasure in my blogging but now i don't even have the energy for that... i can't think, i can't weave the words into the tapestries that i want to achieve, i just ramble on and on, succumbing to the tiredness, lulling myself to sleep. i've lost the economy i never had, if you know what i mean. i can't concentrate on anything at all any more... my mind just floats around aimlessly in class... even in blogging i can't keep on topic... i just randomly jump around from here to there. i think i've lost my mind.

in class the other day, somebody asked me what i actually do when i get home... i think his exact words were, "so what do you do at home, if you don't mind me asking?" - almost as if he knew he was asking about a secret, or about something really wrong and private. i don't really remember what i said, probably just tossed out a stupid meaningless answer... i don't know... it's so embarrassing sometimes i don't know what to say to people... "oh i just crawl into bed like a coward in order to escape from the real world" ??? how can i say something like that and still face up to society? oh, and society... don't even get me started on that one... so fucked up, i don't even want to begin, drives me crazy. i hate this place... this world that i'm living in. it's just like how i used to bide my time till june when i would be with A together forever (or so i thought), simply because i thought i would finally be happy... only now it's not june i'm waiting for any more, but rather some random time where i'll be able to fly away from this fucked up reality and to some other unknown alternative... i don't know if i'll be happy there but at least it's a change from this... at least there's hope that it might be.

i don't even know what i'm talking about any more. the blood is pounding in my temples and in my ears, and i can feel that chocolate rising up the back of my throat coming back to haunt me again. i can't get rid of the hot tears in my eyes or the painful lump in my throat... seems like they've become permanent fixtures over the past few weeks.

i've taken to leaving a double life. i don't dare to show or say anything around others... even if i did i just can't seem to. it's like my reality consists of two disparate parts; when i try to talk about one part in the other i just can't do it. i don't know. i don't even understand it myself. but maybe that's why nobody takes my blog really seriously... because it just seems to be one big lie, one big exaggeration. i don't know. sigh.

there is one person i really do appreciate although i haven't said much... szemin... we're not really all that tight i know but i do appreciate your unwavering support and the way you take all my crap in your stride. and so... to answer your question: i don't really know myself, i can't explain it. i have a lot of thoughts and maybe even speculations on the topic but the bottom line is: it helps, so don't waste time with questions, just do whatever keeps you from killing yourself. i don't know. well... a lot of the times it helps because i feel like at least i can take the punishment for a lot of the messes i made. i know i can't undo them, but at least i myself can feel the pain i've caused others... and in a way that does help... i like to show when i really am sorry and maybe it helps me forgive myself which i never really can do. most of the time it's also very calming... when i'm getting all panicky it helps me to stop and ironically i do calm down... or... i don't know, i really don't know. it's just a safety valve. you know what's really weird... i've tried to stop it and i actually thought for a while that i'd gotten out of it... but now i'm starting to feel it again more than ever and yet i'm just too damn tired to do anything about it... which might be good in a way because it stops me but i've also been wondering lately if it could perhaps be more of a bad thing because one day if i lose control who knows what i might do now that the safety valve is gone..... anyways yeah i haven't ever explained this to anyone szemin not even those who were supposed to be trying to help so i hope it'll mean a little more to you than nothing. and don't quote me on this... i'm too frickin tired to know what i'm saying anyway.

i really gotta stop rambling... i'm starting to sound like a stupid kid... then again maybe i am one.

got too much to say... too tired to be selective... one thing... i'm glad he's at least talking... confiding even maybe... and even though it's not "real" (as we used to say) it did feel a whole lot better when he said he could hug me really really really tight and not let go for ten minutes. and i know i used to cry and say i didn't want "this" (then), i wanted "real" ... but now i know at least "this" is (was?) a whole lot better than nothing. i don't know what that means/meant but i think at least it's more than less than nothing and surely that does do something not entirely bad?

a lot i want to say but i can't even get the words out and this entire entry is in grave danger of being deleted without a trace because i'm so damn frustrated at my inability to shut up and keep it short and practice economy anymore... so i'll just say one last important thing before i fuck off out of here and that is that this is one of the most accurate meaningful songs i've ever heard and it does more than a little bit of nothing. - whatever that means to anyone who is anyone around here.

and now... i think it's time for me to go smash my head into a cement block so i'll maybe shut up for a spell... sorry for all this bullshit but remember i hate it more than you do, if that means anything at all. this entry sucks.

i wonder if anyone actually still reads my blog anymore or if they just hate me too much to even pretend to want to comment. well i guess it doesn't matter, it's still hate either way, just maybe a matter of more or less. or maybe not even that.

i'm too bloody tired to write anything at all, even though i haven't done shit these past few days or even weeks. just sleep sleep sleep that's all i seem to do anymore with a few periods of online. i'm too bloody tired to even think. and i'm going to fuck up my ibs (tell me something i don't know).

i realise that talking isn't any good at all. you can spend hours saying whatever and at the end of it it's still as fucked up as before, or usually even more. conclusion: don't say a word, just the way it was before. blood is better than words. the pain from the blade is by far easier to take than the pain from the talking - or worse, the pain after the talking.

and life isn't just a struggle to get out of it, because it can't be gotten out of in the first place. it's just something you gotta deal with, something you gotta live with, or else die. i'd actually much rather the dying bit, cos it seems almost impossible to live with. but Somebody told me not to make myself die, and since that Somebody is the only Person who's ever really loved me, i'll try and do what that Somebody says. but i see now that that's all life is about - trying not to make yourself die; suffering just to do what that Somebody says.

in some strange inexplicable way, i don't even care about anything any more. studying? who gives a fuck? who cares about my grades? sure, As look and feel good, but just for that one second. i used to use the time test for everything to see if i should worry about it (will it matter in ten minutes? ten weeks? ten months? ten years? - and if not, then forget about it)... now i've taken to using it for good things too, and i've found that for the most part nothing matters at all. as sadness is short-lived, so is happiness. so why bother? why even try? and on the flip side of the coin, just do whatever pleases you. go drinking. get hooked on drugs. eat lots of chocolate. have casual sex. do whatever makes you happy just for that while. because at any time in your life, you only have one moment to enjoy, and that's the present. so why not just enjoy the present moment as much as possible instead of worrying about the future or even the past? don't waste your time working, you'll never know if you're gonna die the next minute, and if you do, any work you're doing now is futile. but if you're enjoying the now, you won't be able to regret not having fun before you died, because if you died you'd have enjoyed.

i'm not making sense. i'm lulling myself to sleep. it's all a downward spiral... a vicious cycle. work hard, die, regret. and yet... if you don't die, you'll regret not working hard, you'll regret fucking up. and that's all life is about. it's all crapped up. i don't think it was meant to be this way, but the bad news is, it is, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

i'm being way too loquacious for my own liking so i'm gonna fuck off now and go to sleep, who gives a fuck about homework. oh, just one more thing, it's all about pride and the realisation that most of the rats are stillat the beginning of the race. or worthlessness knowing they're all at the end. or plainness in seeing that you're only mediocre, only right in the middle with everyone else. in other words, nothing can change things. and that's how i know.

why can't i just shut up?

i guess i was right.

i couldn't sleep after blogging last night, although i did go to bed. so i stayed up and wrote for about an hour in bed... random thoughts on blank computer paper, and no, i didn't rip off the edges! *impressed*

1. love, psychologists and insects.
- do anything for it? -?
- they can't help unless they can give me what i need.
- what if they laugh at me - "this isn't a real problem!!!" - what then??
- and anyway, aren't they just individuals exceptionally learned and practised at pshychobabble... who have learnt to keep a really straight face when they're listening?
- not really related but in psych class he was expounding on how suicide is serious, desperate, and pitiable. at least one person has the right ideas.
- just an expansion on the crawl-into-a-hole idea... i'm pretty sure there's at least one species that does exactly that: when its duty is over, it just digs a hole and crawls into it, waiting for death to come... not physically destroying itself but no longer sustaining itself either... so it's dead to the world long before it's dead to its senses. yeah, that's what i want. not exactly to kill myself physically, but to die to the world and just crawl into a hole where i can wait for the end.

2. things everybody should try at least once in their lifetimes (hope i get the roman numerals right):
i. bingeing.
ii. starvation.
iii. getting wasted.
iv. getting stoned.
v. getting smashed.
vi. sleeping until sleeping gives you nightmares... and beyond that.
vii. self mutilation (yeah! *cheers*).
viii. christianity.
ix. suicide.
damn... still five more things on my list. next few months look set to be busy ones for me.

3. "i'm sorry, it's not i don't want your help, it's just... it's a different kind of help that i need."

4. It's come so that everyday living is more about getting through the day without suicide, rather than getting the day's work done. it's not i don't wanna do the work, it's just i gotta get through the depression first before i do anything else... before i can do anything else. and so every minute is more a struggle to lessen if not get rid of the depression, and nothing else taking priority. God is there, He's still first in my life, but i have to get out of it all before i can do anything about Him or the situation. and i still believe, i still have faith, but unable to actively show it... all my energy's used up in lifting my spirits - or trying to. still clinging to the faith... He can and will bring me out of this. still trusting Him... but unable to do anything but wait. and so if anything makes me feel better, i'll do it: staying online all day. talking to strangers. staying out of my room (even if it means i can't work). going to rallies. sleeping. slicing myself up. going out. bitching. splurging. -. eating. it's not i don't know anything in extreme or excess is wrong... it's just i need to do it to get out of the hole and that takes first place. even if what i'm doing is wrong, as long as it helps lift the depression - even temporarily - i'll do it. the wrongness i can deal with later; i just need to feel better. nothing else takes first place.
- it's like an explosive with the fuse lit, and you'll do anything to stop the spark before it travels too far up the string... before it *boom* blows up. even if it means hurting or losing something or someone. even if it means hurting or losing yourself.
- people say to work. "it helps take your mind off it." but in this case it's so far gone that taking your mind off it doesn't even help any more, it's got to counter the thing or it doesn't work. and work doesn't do that. or, they say, "put it aside and concentrate on your work. just for now... just for ibs." but they don't realise how bad it is.
- keep hurting myself, looking for love in all the wrong places, desperate, even over talking to A, not that i don't love him anymore - i still do the most - but more than that i need the love to survive... or i die. ...know i won't find it, but try anyway cos #1, so desperate, and running out of time; #2, need to be hurt to make sure i'm still alive...?

5. they don't understand bc they've never felt it before... the whole epistemic loneliness thing all over again. it's like, if i describe to you what "sweet" tastes like, how will you know if you've ever tasted it before? or if i try to explain what the colour pink looks like. how will you know unless you've seen? even if i used a yardstick like sugar, or red. if you're from an alien planet, how could you ever know?

6. pamela (my personal fairy) - "holding on to the past" - mg... gb... picnic bars. and A. always A.

7. it's like you think you understand and rationalise it all away to yourself. say it can't be that serious; that can't be reason enough to be depressed, that hasn't caused enough trauma, it's all just an excuse, to get out of work, etcetera. but what do you do when you can't even stop excusing?

8. and lastly, to end on a slightly more optimistic and hopeful note - which was a good note to end on as i drifted into sleep: "yeah... God always sends comfort and advice... even if it is in the form of a children's story.

so what does the physics manual say are the rules of magnetic depression? i really need to see if that fits me.

no, but seriously. how do you ever really know? isn't depression just this whole really hyped up thing which everyone uses to classify their own little sadnesses? especially pathetic little teenagers? so how do you know? what are the guidelines? what does the dsm say? it's become so that everybody takes it so lightly now... "i'm really depressed today" but all they really mean is they had bad sex the night before, or they woke up late, or they have indigestion, or had a poor breakfast. even with those questionnaires - "have you felt suicidal more than twice in the past week? have you experienced a lack of emotion in the past few days? have you been unable to cope with daily circumstances more than three times in the past fortnight? etc. etc." - well how do you know you've felt suicidal for sure? how do you know you've experienced lack of emotion? isn't it all just this whole blown up thing? nobody takes anybody seriously any more when they say "i wanna commit suicide." they all think it's just because you had a bad day at work, or you didn't do your homework. it's become so watered down now that people use it as an everyday expression of negativity, even in the smallest situations like getting an A minus instead of an A. and so nobody really knows now whether or not they really are in depression... whether or not they really do wanna commit suicide. or if they do, nobody believes them... at least not until it's too late. and then you start hearing all the excuses.

i don't know, it's just... you can never know nowadays whether it's just a bad day or a real down time, if all you need is a friendly hug or if you really need to get help. or you don't dare to find it if you think you need it, in case you were just making a big deal out of bad sex or something, and you end up wasting your money or your time. it's just nobody takes you seriously any more.

i'm so so scared... so fucking scared... i think it's time for me to start finding a dark little hole where i can curl up and die. soon. not yet, but soon. and first i got to burn it all. but i'm afraid.....

you come to a point where you don't even have any more energy for emotion... where you're struck by this numbness and you can't love and you can't hate and no matter what happens you're just not affected by it. or you feel this slight annoyance or hurt but you can't gather the energy to do anything about it. well i might be wrong but that really might be one of the biggest signs that it's time to die, when you can no longer respond to anything around you. it's like you're above this world, not as in superior to it, but sort of... beyond it. like past caring. yeah, i think that's about it. well... i haven't exactly reached there yet; i'm still a little before the numbness stage but i'm as far as not being bothered to season my speech with tact or to get so angry at stupid things (people?) any more. it's more like... ok fuck it, and that's it. as for school, i gave up caring a long time ago. well the fact that my quarter grades have gone down.....

i don't know. i just keep looking for love in all the wrong places. it's not that i don't know God does love me, or that His love is enough for anything. it's not even that i don't believe it. it's just... i need something... i don't even know what it is. something tangible, i think... something i can see and feel... someone who can hug me when i'm sad, hold me when i'm cry... someone who will always be there no matter what time of the day or night, and who will stay with me as long as i need, and who will never ever go away from me. i know the only person (Person? Being?) who can do that is God. i know that no human can give me that kind of love. but it hurts. sometimes i need it. i know God is there but sometimes you need something tangible. there are some hurts that only a touch can heal. i guess it hurts most because i can love that way, i can give that way... but i guess nobody else can. maybe that's why i feel it's really over, because he won't even stay a little while specially to talk to me. i would do anything for the people i love, but it's a rare few who get that kind of love, and i don't just mean boys. it just hurts that nobody else can do the same. because sometimes that's just what you need. and i want someone sincere, who will stay because they want to, not because they're afraid. i don't know... i don't believe anyone can love me that way. and that really bites. sometimes i really just want to die... because in heaven i'll have God by my side, everything will be perfect, there won't be any pain but if there was He'd be there to wipe the tears away.

it's amazing how alike two people can feel... and still be at odds with each other. it's amazing how when one person articulates his feelings it matches exactly with the other's. it's almost as if they have identical dna... and yet it doesn't work. something like the whole "like poles repel" principle. oh, for once, here's a thought! - maybe all humans are really magnets. huge magnets. how's that for the realm of psychology huh. no need to study anybody any more. just open your physics book.

i'm way too tired for anybody's good.....

i'm getting to the end of my tether now i thought i could get over it but i can't every day i think about it i think about him every day i wish and wish i could call him wish he would call me wish i could love him wish he would love me in every thing i do i want to msg him and tell him i want to share every thing with him but i can't i can't he won't even let me any more i really need him to gather me in his arms and hold me as i cry and now it's not even that he can't but he WON'T i want to help him to love him to be there to support him but he won't even let me do that i don't know what to do i still love him so much i really really do i don't know what to do everything is in a mess i feel like i want to die i don't know what to do help me please please somebody help me please

jump off the top of a high wall break yourself into pieces you'll shatter into a million shards more beautiful than pieces of diamond that's what you'll leave behind if you fly from the top of a tower a million tiny stars a million drops of tears that vaporise in the sunlight leaving - a million crystals of salt .

take one of those shards and hold it in your hand see how it fits neatly into the centre of your palm the light from the sun reflects softly off the surface a twinkle a glow a rainbow through your tears hold it tightly in your fist see it press lightly into your skin lightly first then harder and harder as you clench your jaw and blink away your tears you'll feel the corners pressing steadily into you you'll feel the skin parting ever so slightly the flesh giving way ... and then the comforting redness will start to flow just a drop or two at first but slowly and surely a little rivulet a little stream and finally a gushing flow of the dark red fluid not the bright gaudy kind but the dark warm red of it all and you'll start to feel a little better ...

make your way into the highest heavens journey through the stars . you'll come to a place that no one's seen you'll come to the inside of yourself . yes, you see, your very centre lies not within your heart but way up there amongst the jewels of the sky . strangely funny isn't it, and you smile softly to yourself, and you think how sweet it is that you've been living among the stars all this while . and you'll laugh and the stars will twinkle and it'll all be good for a while just the way it was before, so long ago that you can't even pretend to remember . and then they'll go dark and turn on you and force you inwards and you'll be scared and curl into a little ball and you'll slowly oh so slowly shrink until you're just a little speck floating way up in the universe and yes, among those beautiful beautiful stars .

and whilst you're soaring you'll see all the people you've ever met in your life ... they'll all be wonderful and perfect and happy and laughing but when they see you - just a speck, you know, but hatred respects no proportions - their laughs will turn to cackles just the way you hear it in the cartoons, and their faces will turn to ash, and the merriness in their eyes will turn to contempt as they stare you down along your way . and you'll be uncomfortable under their gaze like a cell under the microscope but you won't be able to do a thing and the one word in their minds and yours will be: RETRIBUTION . you gotta pay, my dear, for what you did for the hurt you've caused see all those pools of blood? you made them you sliced out people's hearts and tore them to shreds, you squeezed them to a pulp until all their life dripped out of them and now you're paying! you're paying! YOU'RE PAYING! thought you'd be able to get away with it huh? thought you'd be able to go on taking and using and hurting and killing well you were WRONG! what do you say to that now huh? what can you say to that? but you've shrank away into nothing under the heat of their stares . and there's nothing you can do to defend yourself ... nothing ... nothing ... nothing .

spin your web like a spider ever so delicately weaving the thin threads over and under each other the silken tightrope you walk so easy upon but it is on the same that you catch your prey . one day you'll pay, you mark my word . one day you will have to pay .

and then you'll fly from a tower jump from a wall and all that's left of you will be - a million broken jewels a million tiny stars a million teardrops and a million crystals of salt . and you'll know then that it doesn't matter, that nothing matters, nothing has ever mattered, and nothing will ever matter again . because that is all you are - a million crystals of salt .

i spent at least six hours today doing silly old vectors and i'm still stumped on 3d. i haven't done a shred of work since friday bc sunday was sleep day, and on fri and sat i was doing - guess what - vectors! sigh. i have so much work to do... not to mention studying... i think i'm going to persuade my teachers not to give me any more work so that i can really focus on the studying bit - not that they'd acede to my request... sigh. like i keep saying - and it's so true - if there are three weeks in my life (so far) that i gotta work my ass off, these are it! actually six weeks... cos ibs end on may 20th (or 21st - whichever is the tuesday).

some tiny / invisible thing keeps biting my legs and it hurts. ow >:(

random (or maybe not-so-random) thought of the day: i cry bc A doesn't love me any more... i cry bc God does. "amazing love how can it be..." - indeed!

why do i constantly keep screwing things up??? why can't i just keep to myself and stop getting in people's way??? sigh.

well i told mom i could go to school today but she said no, stay home. so different from friday. sigh whatever. i think my cold got worse though. what's bitterly funny is the fact that people start edging away the moment i start sniffling.

i hate this friendless feeling. not that i don't appreciate the few that i have here, but usually it's customary for a person to have more than, like, three friends!!! no, it's not really that. i mean there are a number of people i'd consider friends as opposed to whatever's on the other side. it's just... i need people whom i can talk to, you know? the kind that when i'm bored or feeling alone and depressed, i can just drop a note or whatever and i know they'll understand. it's not like i need people to drop whatever and come to my rescue... i just need people who will reply a damn message, for one, and who will do it nicely, for another. i think there's only one person around here whom i can really say that's true of. and i do appreciate her, i do... but sometimes a person needs a little variety, you know? sigh.

i feel so bloody far away from the rest of the world. well ok i'm thinking more of the gbers than anyone else. don't have to elaborate now do i.

this morning, i identified four things about A:
(1) yes i know i said this yesterday but i'll say it again - the longer the break the lower our chances [if there ever were any to begin with].
(2) we need to talk... need to sort out the problems if nothing else, really deep lying problems, the very foundations for the ending, very likely laid before we even started, problems i haven't talked about here at all... but it's got to be face to face, on the phone it's so hard to be honest and sensitive... and so it's gotta wait till june. compounded with #1 - if we don't talk till june, the likelihood will be two months lower than right now... which is very low.
(3) i don't even know what i want any more! and i don't know what he wants either. don't know what he will give, what he can give. like i said in #2, we need to talk about it! at least that way i'll know if our thoughts on the whole darn thing even fit any more. at least i'll know what sort of chance i have - or don't have.
(4) if, like he said, he's really "stopped loving me" then there's nothing i can do about it at all... bc no matter who or what the cause, no matter how little your fault or how much the other's, the decision that you've got no more love in you for somebody is ultimately your own choice. and what does "i don't love you any more" mean, anyway? what sorta boundaries are we talking about here? even if i deserved this shit - don't i at least deserve to know?

sometimes i get so fucking pissed off by people who think they can survive long distance. get some brains, you suckers!!! - or maybe i'm just jealous. maybe i'm the failure. yeah, i think that's it.

on a totally different note... 1 john 4:19 - "we love Him bc He first loved us." i've been thinking about how people always say you gotta fall in love with God... and that's all very good and very true, but i think, especially with the generation x [haha], a little clarification is in order. the term "fall in love" has become way too romanticised... love itself has become this overrated commercialised notion, when you say you gotta fall in love with someone people instantly think of the kind of sappy sexual relationship you see all the time in movies (the kind where they just take off their clothes right there the first time they meet - love my ass i tell you). but when you say you gotta fall in love with God... it's a totally entirely different thing. it's agape, you know? it's that you realise He's given so much for you, He loves you so much, and bc of that you can't help but love Him back so much too... nowhere near what He feels for you but the farthest you can humanly and personally go... so that you give Him everything, your heart your mind your soul... you give Him your whole life cos you know He loves you so much and giving everything to Him won't screw things up but actually make things better. and you're willing to give anything for Him the way He gave anything for you. now that's love... and if you think about it, it's not only the hardest thing you will ever do, but the best too. so yeah, it's worth it. worth a try at the very least.

... since you've gone i've been lost without a trace / i dream at night i can only see your face / i look around but it's you i can't replace / i feel so cold and i long for your embrace / i keep crying baby baby please ...

this song is really freaky. for starters, it's sung by a guy... and as if that's not enough it's got this really haunting (sort of) tune that just sticks in your head and then keeps going round and round and round in that broken-record-ish way. satanic? you tell me. for some bizarre [scary] reason, i actually like it. help! :(

had a really horrible nightmare last night. as is usually the case with all/most dreams, i don't remember a lot of it, but it had something to do with m (a classmate who shall remain unnamed), A, and gary. very frightening... i very nearly wet my bed [figuratively speaking]. firstly, why m of all people??? it's not like we even talk much... okay, fine, one class together, but that's it... secondly, how on earth would A know m??? or gary??? does m even have a blog anyways??? and what was that with the roll of blue cloth on the seabed??? and a long skirt for - was it mom??? and how was everything my fault??? - ya i know it's only a dream... but you know... sometimes those things just hit you hard... scared the shit out of me i couldn't sleep for the longest time after that.

it's not that i blame him for being so far (like half a globe) away or anything... it just kinda pisses me off when he tries to control our lives from over there... actually that's not even it. i'm just sick of the stupid, fucked up, contrived thing (i won't even call it a relationship) between the two of them. it's like, he doesn't even know shit about what's going on here - like i said, i don't entirely (if at all) blame him - and then he starts criticising her for the little bits he hears. and she... she's so fucking spineless, such a coward i tell you, the slightest thing from him and she goes and gets all fucked up, and then of course she takes it out on us... like what the fuck??? - ok, you see, i told him i was just starting to get sick. like with a little cold. which is true anyways. so then he doesn't say nothin to me but instead gets on her case for "not taking proper care of the kids" (i only have her word for it though so i don't know) and so she comes and gets on my case just bc i bought a stupid chocolate cake just now. and she just keeps going on and on and on. then she tells me like don't go to school stay home and see a doctor... apparently (and i think i can believe this part) it's under his orders... so fucked up man, for starters and no offense to any party who might be offended, but do you actually trust these doctors??? i mean some of them are ok... but some others..... and at a time like this... you never know who used the thermometer before you... i think the likelihood of me gettin sars from there is probably greater than the likelihood that i already have it! and it's not my fault if you're so bloody wrapped up in ur own shit that you "don't notice that i have a cold" now is it?! shit man... i'm so sick of this crap.

it's been such a bad day... i've been tryin to watch my language but it's just so fucked up today... on top of being sick and all that, i've actually been working a lot and i'm stuck at the stupid 3d vectors shit (which, incidentally, i have been for the past... twenty or so months)... and then for some really stupid fucked up reason i had to think of him... fucked up my day so bad... and i think that with every day that goes by with us not talking, the probability of us getting back together goes down lower and lower if that's actually still possible. and it fucks me up so bad cos there are so many things we had... and it just screws me up every time i think of the last time i saw him - cny, after newton dinner and starbucks with gbers - met at borders or was it kino (i think it was borders), didn't even get to sit down and talk or anything then i had to go home or she'd be on my back again... so fucked up, i remember i had to msg jas to tell her what to tell mom if she calls and what not... can't even have a moment of peace and quiet, i tell you... so then he took me home... walked down ulu pandan road (shadows on the road sign - sigh) and then up the back road to home, the one outside the ex-rubbish dump... saw this dark car (blue i think?) and a businessman and his chick in there... n i was like scared i remember and he was like "theyre just making out, tan, theres nth to be scared of" and then he had to stop at that block... dunno what number not like it matters... and i was like walking away n i was crying... n i couldnt stop... n then i went back n didnt want him to go... didnt want him to let me go... then this random guy appeared from nowhere and he wouldn't even hold my hand after that he was so scared... totally fucked up i tell you... n i just kept crying and crying and crying... even as i was walking home... couldn't help it... fuck it, maybe my unconscious self knew it was gonna be the last time... so fucked up... couldn't even get a damn kiss out of him... fuck it... i hate it i hate it i hate it... the best times we had were in july and even then we weren't free from all the shit - i can't forget spageddies and that bitch aunty lily - i won't even call her aunty she doesnt even deserve the damn respect - that fucking bitch i tell you... she deserves to go to hell... fucking up people's lives... all because of her i had to shut down disillusioned v2.0, he had to shut down his freeopendiary which recently got archived and it was my fault he lost everything bc it was my fault he had to move to anon... all bc of her we had to close down cake and coffee... on top of that no more phone calls (my side), no more letters (his side), NOTHING... so damn fucked up i tell you... fuck that bitch the next time i see her i think i'm gonna kill her she deserves it man...

fuck it why is there so much fucking anger in me??!! i've never spoken this way, NEVER, not even when i was cutting myself up the way i did... even that is better than all this fucked up cursing... what the hell is happening to me??? but it's not my fault... all these fuckers made me lose the person i loved most in the world... they made me lose the one person who ever loved me - are you hearing me? - they made me lose the best thing i ever had... so fucked up i wish i could kill them all! if not for them i wouldn't be stuck here in this fucking hole... wouldn't have lost my favourite person in the world... there's nothing i wouldn't give... nothing at all... it wasn't just anything i tell you it was my whole life... don't start on how that was bad for me and all that shit ok, i know all that already... but nevertheless... it was EVERYTHING to me and i lost it just like that, just because of some fucked up individuals... disgrace to society these people are... disgrace to humankind... and just bc of them everything i had was lost... what did i do to deserve that??? i mean ya ok i know i wasnt perfect but was i really all that shit to deserve that kind of crap??? don't they know i TRY??? doesn't GOD know i try??? ok ok im sorry to bring God into this. i know it all, the theory and everything. and deep down i really do believe it. so don't get started with me or i'll hate you like i hated them. it's just... fuck it all, what did we do so wrong???

shit i better go now i'm jus gettin more n more riled up n im sick n moms gettin on my nerves again n everythings just SO FUCKED UP AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO..........

this is pathetic, this is sick, and this is just plain loser. and i haven't even started looking at the rest of the world yet. why does it all have to be so bloody depressing???

on a slightly happier note, i didn't go to school today. due to a combination of factors. one thing though, i feel bad cos i was supposed to do the math shit with gavin :( as for jasmine's things... i'm getting someone to help me. yeah. hope i didn't screw up too many things. i just remembered i have to go to school tomorrow - for physics. argh.

ironic that yesterday when i was singing the song, he was reading the book. or should i say ... coincidental. oh well. not that it means anything; lots of coincidences in the world, like the wrong dreams coming true but the right ones not. bah.

... if your hopes scatter like the dust across your track / i'll be the moon that shines on your path / the sun may blind our eyes i'll pray the sky above / for snow to fall on the sahara ...

i think i wanted to say lots of things but when i clicked "edit your blog" it all flew out of my head. i am way too tired. and the world is way too depressive for my liking. trying to look for happy things but i can't. i'm not talking about spirituality here. i guess that's why it's better for us, theoretically at least, bc we have something to look forward to in the future, in eternity. sometimes, though, it's hard to fathom.

it's not that i don't want to or can't be happy for people but i guess there are some things that just bode evil from the start. it's like the wool was pulled over your eyes and you couldn't see the ominousness of it all. or maybe it's just pure envy. either way.

yeah, too many weird things going on... strange italians *blinks emphatically* making periodic appearances on my blog, how did that even happen in the first place, not as if i made it public? librarians constantly spraying every chair, table, keyboard with this really... bizzare smelling aerosol thingy... sick people swimming in public pools...

sometimes it's just all too much for me to comprehend. to even think about. more than ever, wishing i could escape from it all. not like physical death exactly but perhaps a sort of die to the world kind of thing? not like the insides of padded rooms but a... journey into myself, away from it all... and to construct a physical universe all my own... leave it all behind me and find a new world...

my work could fill containers and in a way that keeps my mind off it all, but at the same time i seem to be getting nowhere, and it just takes up more and more space. good in a bizarre kind of way cos when i start even trying to think about it - like now - i just go crazy. like the universe that you can't see and you can't imagine it or when you try to your head explodes. that would be interesting. like you try so hard to step back and look at it... try and try and try... then suddenly your mental faculties just shut down with a quiet whirring, like a computer. or your neurons heat up and start sparking, and then everything short circuits and your brain frazzles... kind of a nice end to it all, cos the last people see of you is this starlike brightness, like your whole life cumulates in that final display of fireworks... and after that there's nothing left, cos you're gone, not even fried or charred but just gone, poof, vanished... your whole life and body and heart and mind and everything you've ever accomplished all taken as fuel for your final bright display, burning dazzlingly and then the end, nothing left of you at all but that's okay, you stunned them enough during those last few moments and at least it was used to make something beautiful.

i shouldn't think too much. it drives me crazy. just take pleasure in the little things and don't wonder how it fits into the big picture. just do what you want at that instant. does it matter, eventually? after you're all burned out and every last bit of you has been transformed into that dazzling brightness? after the last twinkle of light has faded? does it matter? i'd like to say no. no it doesn't matter. but when it comes down to it all, it really does, just not in the way you thought it would, just not to the people you wanted. after you've exploded in that beautiful display of light - something does remain, just not what you thought.

no, i shouldn't think too much. just work at making it through, every minute every second of every day, remember the eternal purpose but don't think about what lies between then and now, it's not mine to worry about. just concentrate on slogging through the drudgery of it all, on making it through the daily grind and coming out okay in the end.

yeah, don't think too much about it. don't want to be sucked too far into the quicksand now...

...or do we?

somewhat annoyed with my browser - it refuses to load my blog. which is weird bc other blogs (ok so far only one other) are [is] loading fine - if you call having to press refresh ten times "fine". in fact, it (browser) is also refusing to open anything other than blogger and crayola. bugger.

he's behaving really weirdly. talked to him on msn for the shortest while, he wasn't mean or anything, but he's just acting so strange... i don't know if he's trying to create an impression - not that we talked for long enough - or if he's just high or something... strange.....

so just now i was lying down on my bed (yeah, whaddya know, right before i fell asleep at the wrong time!) and all of a sudden i had this... well i wouldn't call it a vision, but sort of... i saw myself lying next to him with one arm around him... he had an arm around me and we were talking... it's like how we always used to talk when i was back in singapore (oh wait that wasn't "always" it was more like once every ten years... ok ok eight weeks... oh but we seldom had that freedom... try three to four months). i don't know how valid this is, but at that instant - and it was just for an instant, mind you - i somehow got this impression that everything would turn out ok... and that i would do that again one day. like i said i don't know how valid it is, more likely than not it was just one of those hallucinations you get [or am i abnormal? hahaha] when you're just too tired... or a result of an overly active mind [just not about the right things, like homework] and a tad too much wishful thinking... i don't know, kind of embarrassing but i just decided to share.

sometimes i really think there is hope for the future, but other times i just feel so crushed.

but despite all this... there does come a peace knowing that God is in control. of course, you have to let Him be in control first. but once you've done that, and as long as you don't wrestle it back, there somehow comes this calmness... i mean sometimes i do get worked up about it but overall...

ok i don't really know what i'm talking about. sorry. just way too sleepy. sorry if this entry was way too incoherent. sigh. what has happened to butterpuff?

and we thought it was getting better.

i feel all messed up today. maybe because of that dream i had last night. dreamt that he came back to me... and he said he was sorry and he really missed me and it was all just a mistake. darn it... i don't know, it's so hard to leave it all in God's hands when things like that keep coming back to haunt you. who gives dreams anyway? God? if so, why would He let you dream something that would make you feel so messed up? ... funny how only all the wrong dreams seem to come true. like the friday night before we broke up (21 march)... had a nightmare... dreamt i lost him... that's why we quarrelled on saturday, cos i was scared and got all paranoid and obsessive... he actually comforted me and told me it was ok and he knew why i had a nightmare - because we hadn't said goodnight properly... he was so sweet about it... what happened? why do only the wrong dreams come true?

i'm so fucked up.....

by the way , i guess they finally decided they couldn't hide it any longer . bloody hell >:(

bought a nice new pencil today . sleek , black , and made of metal . hopefully [ unlike its predecessors ] it will last more than a few years before it breaks . the downside is that it cost me eleven bloody ringgit . and mom made me pay . >:(

anyway , it came to me somewhat forcefully last night that i'm no longer responsible for his happiness any more , not even minutely . so nothing i can do should affect him any more , even if i tried , even if i did it with the best intentions . somewhat related to that is the fact that ... to a rather great extent [ if not totally ] , i'm no longer writing for an audience that includes him . even sometimes when i post entries " to him " - for example the one that begins " i packed you away today " - it's still not exactly that i'm writing for him . i can't explain it . oh nevermind . anyway , yeah , i know he doesn't read this any more . i don't really get why he can't just treat me as an acquaintance whose blog he reads - the way i do him now - but i guess that's only something he can say . but what i think - about that and also about anything else concerning him - is that ... whilst westerners can't think of the east independent of orientalism [ said 1979 hehe ] , he can't think of me independent of littlebearalism . kinda sad [ opposite of happy as well as pathetic ] . take that how you will . i can't control what he thinks of me ... it's time for me to stop being too harsh on myself . if he can't think of me independent of littlebearalism then there's no hope for us ... gotta find someone new , gotta start afresh . i've said this before and i'll say it again ... a ghost isn't the spirit of one dead , but the spirit of something still alive .

i used to wonder how people would get over the death of someone they loved SO much ... not that this is comparable in any way but i'm guessing since God brings comfort and calm - and yes , even joy - in such times of sadness and loss , surely He'll give it in even greater measure under those circumstances . grieving is ok but to stop from slipping into self-pity , bitterness , or depression , you gotta turn to God . - just a thought [ what with people dying all over the world ] .

something i heard today ... as long as we walk in God's will , we will never be out of God's protection and love . [ don't let me get started on why then God's people still suffer ... sometimes it's trials , sometimes it's punishment , sometimes you just don't know why ... the essential thing is to have faith and to trust that He knows what He's doing but that's not my point here . ] when i heard that i was reminded of little pilgrim's progress , by helen l. taylor and adapted from john bunyan's pilgrim's progress . [ note : the reads in the link are only to the part one of the book ... i think there are two parts . ] little christian - the " little pilgrim " - meets a number of friends on the way [ in part two , so does christiana ] , but the promise of the King's protection is conditional : they must stay on the narrow path . during the times that they stray - for example , in by-path meadow - did they lose the protection of the King . well , actually ... i think God still gives His people His protection at such times , but ..... i can't put my finger on it :/ sorry :/ comments are welcome :) and - oh yes - we can see the trials He brings us as the many vanity fairs built along the way ! :)

alright , i'm sleepy . no school tomorrow ; i hope it stays closed for a week , but like jasmine [ lee ] said , there might be a problem with finishing the syllabi for some classes . actually right now i'm only worried about anthro . i don't care if there's less time for review ... i'd rather do that on my own , without annoying students disrupting [ ok , more like interrupting ] the class ... or incomptent teachers [ not all lah ] failing despite their good intentions . ah whatever . i need to sleep .

mom let us see one of her emails whilst she was checking ... from the guy with the annoying son ... everybody seems to be reading psalm 91 nowadays , what with war and sars and all ... which is good because at least people are reading something [ i mean like the bible ] ... but it gets bad when you start to ... you'll know when i finish my story . so he was saying , " been reading psalm 91 and can't help wondering out loud why pastor simon loh contracted sars and died - is he not also God's child and does he not also receive God's protection ? " ... not that i know a lot ... but isn't it a little ... demanding [ ? ] ... to say something like that ? it's almost like " why God . " i mean psalm 91 does give a promise of protection and encouragement in such uncertain times as these - i know because i read it this morning after someone recommended last night that i do so - but you shouldn't take it to the extent that you start to question or feel bitter every time one of God's people meets with misfortune . bc you don't know God's plans and purposes for your life or anyone else's ... and so that gives you no right to question . right ? * worried look in case i am wrong or spouting rubbish ... looks around nervously for confirmation *

i don't understand why people keep looking to mom as if she knows everything . i mean ok so she has been through significant trials in her life and has come through them ok [ actually , i'm not so sure about that ] . and yes i admit she is rather ... well-read [ literally ! ] in the realm of spiritual things . and she does know the bible well and she does sometimes if not so often give rather good christian advice or insight into things . but i mean ... she's not God !!!!! why can't those * friends * of hers see that . like aunty alizy . aunty dolly . now even that zippity's father . they practically worship her ... follow her words like she knows best ... don't they see ??? and what has she done to them ??? ... sigh .

i think i'm suffering from serious withdrawal symptoms . help ! - the consequences of going cold turkey [ not that i wanted to ... sadly , i was forced ] ... :/

random excerpts from an email i wrote to a very special somebody ... wink wink ;p [ ok so they weren't so random after all ] :
" i don't crumble every time i take things out any more . i really want to continue using some of the stuff [ ... ] but i don't trust myself to handle it just yet . i don't want to slip back into that mentality that we'll be able to get back when i return in june [ ... ] just wanna make myself go cold-turkey for a substantially long time ... "
" more than the phonecalls , i miss what we used to do together when i was in singapore in july . that was the only time we really had a * proper * relationship ... all the other times it was rushed , secret meetings ... i think all that made it worse , that we could not even have a decent date when i went back once in eight weeks . "
" i think that was what A really wanted [ wants ? ] in our relationship ... not this thing where he's always just smsing and calling me and [ only ] seeing me - under highly strained circumstances - for two hours every two months . and that's really what i want too . and i'm gonna really miss not having all that with him next time ... cos i was really looking forward to it ... a time where finally our relationship could be normal . but i guess fourteen months of a highly abnormal , ridiculously undercover relationship was just too much for us to take . "
pretty much self-explanatory - hope that person doesn't mind ... you know who you are . thanks for everything :)

i think i'm on an ice-cream high ... help ! * laughs insanely *

er , anyway ... * straightens self and tries to look oblivious * - does anybody [ in singapore ] have any ideas on the sort of place that will give me a job whilst i'm still in the uni ? want to work a little , earn a pretty bit of cash and start doing the things i want to do in life ... seeing as the proper authorities won't give me any . sigh . oh well . any ideas let me know ok .

hopefully iskl will remain closed for another week . need the time to S T U D Y for ibs ! * tries to suppress hunted look * but that is highly unlikely . bummer .

yeah but i still miss the calls and msgs ... even miss waiting for them . i'm such a wimp .....

don't want to say too much ... not even sure what to say ... but yeah it all boils down to something like " just gotta pray " ... not because it makes everything better instantly but talking to God does actually give you peace ... a kind of calmness you can't otherwise get ... and yeah , gotta surrender it all to him ... let go of everything once and for all , stop wasting my energy on (a) worrying (b) trying to work things out (c) trying to solve the problem ... instead focus fully on living for Him and not for anybody else ... trust that once you've put things in His hands it'll all be okay ... cos you know His will is perfect and the best for us . better to obey God and be happy in the end - in eternity even if not on this earth - than to do it your own way and be happy only temporarily ... before realising it was all a hoax .

speaking of hoaxes - no school on monday , hooray ! and no it wasn't a hoax .

yeah , and just don't forget that He loves us all better than anyone ever could ... the best thing you can do for a person is pray His love onto them ... or just pray .

i realise that i'm saying all this at the risk of sounding like mom ... i don't mean to , and i hope people don't misinterpret it ... cos it's different ... but i don't need to explain myself to anyone anyways ... i mean i'm still really paranoid about becoming like her , don't want to get all fanatic and obsessive , but well sometimes some things do need to be said.

ah well .

feel like its all spinning out of control ... feel like theres no more reason for living ... help .....

spent an hour trying to tackle some of my blogs ... it's personal ... nevermind . my eyes are SO tired right now ! have you ever done something really really stupid and then realised a split second later that you'd kill to undo it ... well that's how i feel now ... sigh . i don't know, i feel immensely screwed up inside today . think i just woke up on the wrong side of the bed and things just kept going downhill . now mom, ty and marlyn are going off to scg (bible study) and i'll be all alone at home ... i'm so scared ... i don't want to be alone . i don't know, i just have a bad feeling about things . help ! *cries*

it's just ... there are so many problems i don't know where exactly to start cleaning up . some of them not even mine .

disillusioned .

keep doing stupid things
keep screwing up
and my tummy hurts
owowow
cant think straight
owowow
later

i loved you because you told me the truth

i hated you because you told me the truth

you left because i hated you

i miss you because you left

but above all

i love you

don't you just love people who make empty promises . " yeah i'll do it , i'm serious , i promise , i'll do it because i love you ... " and then they never do ... and you can't help but know the real reason ...

never make promises you're not gonna keep . and i'm not talking about a guy .

what is happening to good old society as we knew it ?? - then again , was society ever good in the first place ?

so now there are five deaths and seven index cases . i think they should just ban travelling until this thing gets better .

why can't people just be more honest ... and two weeks ! - why must they be so s l o w ... i hope it doesn't come around to me because i most certainly don't want to be treated by doctors here ... don't know what they might do [ or not do ] to me ...

meanwhile the who should be less hesitant to recommend stern measures ... don't they realise that people in authority are " closely monitoring [ their ] investigation into the disease and current precautions undertaken at major metropolitan airports throughout the region " so they should bloody well do something about it ... but because they aren't , and because " At this point the Malaysian government has not declared a quarantine on international travelers coming from these countries , " the bloody school administration is not going to do anything more than " monitor the situation very closely [ and ]receive updates from both the Internet and television about necessary precautions " ... this thing is getting way too worrying - not that it wasn't before . sigh .

i'm way too tired today . i don't know why . must not have had a good night although i don't remember anything . and i also feel rather alone . help ! * cries *

some idiot is parking on tanya.blogspot.com . i hate that . bitch . * scowls *

keep forgetting to say a huge thank you [ publicly ] to tish for the really timely article . i don't need to explain , do i ?

did i mention that i watched save the last dance on tuesday ? well i did . it was showing on cinemax and since it neatly coincided with the time mom was out ..... * grin * anyways i really liked the dancing parts [ wait wasn't that like the whole show ? haha ] , but otherwise i thought it was a little too predictable , and the acting sometimes got a little lame . oh well . i would watch it again , but only for the dancing . yeah , and julia stiles . for some strange reason i rather like her .

i'm thinking i'll take up dancing along with gymnastics when i go back ... haha . no , i'm serious . find a nice little dance school and try not to humiliate myself .

darn ... forgot about the money [ lack of ] . shit .

over the past few hours :
#1 - bead curtains and lim's arts and crafts at holland village . sigh .
#2 - i couldn't use moonflower today even though i wanted to .

for no apparent reason , marmalade's reflections of my life has been stuck in my head for days . what makes that bad is that i don't even know all the words .

i don't know why i've started typing with spaces on both sides of [ most ] punctuation marks now . i think it has something to do with my compulsion for symmetry and perfection . how much more anal can i get ? * grizzle *

when i move back to singapore , i'm going to attempt to makeover my room . sell my old bedroom set and use the cash as partial funds for a new look ... i'd love to have a queen sized bed but i guess that's taking it a bit too far . get a new bed frame and a bunch of nice cupboards and shelves ... paint my walls if possible [ somehow i doubt it ] ... change my curtains !!! i know i'm gonna need money ... if i can i'll work or something ... get a new micro hi-fi set and start collecting cds . maybe even get bead curtains , even if they remind me of * somebody * - i've wanted them all my life [ well , kind of ] .

okay , i know it's all just a dream ... i don't think i'll have enough funds to do it . sigh . on top of that , i wanna take up gymnastics [ don't i repeat don't say anything ... there's such a thing as adult classes ... and i like to believe i'm not as bad as some adults can be ... or even if i am , there's no need to burst my bubble ] . i'd like to learn to drive , too , but not much point actually since we don't even have a car . and no one's gonna pay for anything cos they think it's " unnecessary . " well fine , maybe you don't see the need for self improvement , maybe you are happy stagnating there the way you do , but hello ... i'm still only nineteen ... there are things i wanna do , places i wanna see ... i'm nowhere near approaching the person i wanna be ... it's not about being discontent or worldly , but if you don't work towards your goals , what's the point of living ? ... sigh .

i don't know , i'm sick of being the person mom and dad have tried to make me be . it's screwed up enough things already and i'm not going to let it mess up the rest of my life any more . i realised last night that a large part of why things became the way they did was because we had to constantly hide everything from mom ... i think a lot of things went down the drain starting september , when you had to totally pretend not to exist . like how i couldn't call you when i wanted [ assuming a " call " is one which can be answered ] , and so if i wanted to talk to you i had to give u a ring , wait for you to hang up [ or notice a missed call ] , and then keep trying until you called back . i don't think that the money was ever the problem , you're not that kind of person , but it was sort or representative on most of the burden was transferred to you ... so i don't blame you for what went wrong [ not that i ever did ] . even on most of my trips back , we couldn't even plan to meet up [ don't need talk about actually meeting up ] without having to scheme and lie ...

my life is a little too messed up for my liking .

mom wants to take us out ... it's really nice of her but it throws off all my afternoon plans ... never mind ... i can pack and work later ... gotta spend some time with her . [ even if it isn't easy . ]

got too many ideas . help !

blogger was real screwed up last night , when i was trying to publish the last entry . or maybe [ more likely ] it was the jaring server . either way , let's hope it's all better now .

so yesterday i went to midvalley in the afternoon , and when i came home i helped marlyn prepare dinner . oh , i just remembered , i've got two ice creams in the freezer , one from tymon and one from mom . hehe ... * evil grin * anyway , i was saying ... yeah , u know what , i've realised that for now , both of us are better off without the relationship . note that i'm saying for now , and that it's the relationship we're better off without ... i still believe that if we'd worked things out properly , we'd be happier with one another . but i think this break , whatever nature it is of [ temporary or permanent ] , is doing / will do us good , whatever the outcome may be . now we both have time to learn and grow , instead of being bound to one another in that stalemate . we have time for ourselves and for the other people we love . and yeah , all that's really important . we have time for God . we're back to becoming the people we love [ loved ? ] each other for ... and that leaves me with a little hope . whatever it is , i think we'll at least be friends .

i keep looking around and spotting things that still remind me of you . some of them i put into the box with the others , but some i think i can leave out . there are still things in the box i want to use ... there are still things i want to do again . but i guess it'll take a while before i can hug flat bear to sleep again , before i can visit spageddies or nydc or swensens , or eat maltesers . it'll take a while before i can read some books or sing some songs . and there are some pens i just can't use right now . but one day i know i'll smile at everything that brings you to mind .

... i hate having writer's block ! - i'll write about the other stuff later .

i packed you away today .

you fit into the one crown box i'd saved from moving to kl [ i never thought it would be put to such a use ] . 3640 cubic inches [ 13 x 14 x 20 ] .

boy was it one rollercoaster ride . well not really , i cried most of the time . and sometimes i was angry , like when i hurled the soft toys into the box . [ later i took them out - too messy for everything to fit . ] but most of all , i think i'm plain going to miss you . we had some really good times together didn't we ? - like ikea , and spageddies , and nydc , and shadows on the road sign ... i won't forget milomaltsrs , or tantwumbare , or goppymipy [goobmibe ? ] , or jumping thumb . i won't forget littlebear [ lplbr ? ] , or huggy , or wuggy , or wugix . i won't forget ogakmugwug ! ... i'll remember you every time i eat pasta , or watermelon , or sushi , or ban mian . or every time i get a whiff of hugo boss, or - what was that ck thing you used ? ... you'll always come to mind when i see anything dockers or rockports or fila or deuter ... or when i go to a bookstore , especially kinokuniya and borders . i won't forget we first met at coffee bean - you pulled out my chair for me, remember ? i won't forget the brownies we baked [ carrot cake brownies for your sister's birthday ! ] , or all the green tea we drank . haha , taxis will never cease to remind me of you either , or airplanes , or changi airport . or icq - which you downloaded for me - and msn - which i downloaded for you . or mirc ! which we both coincidentally had , and where we both coincidentally met . i won't forget november 5th [ haha , november 11th , remember ? ] or january 31st .

of course , the list i've made is by no means comprehensive ... it's not even a fraction of a fraction of what we had . even now there are a gazillion things flooding into my head . there are so many things that bring you to mind ... sometimes i wonder if there's anything in my life that doesn't connect to you . even school , even homework , even my ib exams , and especially my ee [ i'll never be able to repay you ] . i wonder how i'll be able to sit in the nus central library without thinking of you . i wonder how i'll even be able to think of nus or the university scholars program [ even if i don't get in ] without thinking of you .

but there are some things i refuse to put away . like my - your - favourite red nightie ... i don't know when i'll next be able to wear it , or if i ever will . but i won't put it in cold storage just yet . [ although i might if i finally decide it hurts too much . ] or my crayola thingies ... i put away the ministampers but i don't think i'll do that to the crayons . or my mosquito net - it looks so pretty hanging over my bed , and besides , i need it ! oh , or my phone . it still feels too silent , but i'll get used to that . besides , i have good friends keeping me company . and yes , it's something else i need too [ kind of ] . but i don't think i'll get the 8250 anymore , when i go back to singapore . that will be just too ... painful . [ kind of stupid too , no ? ]

it was refreshingly cleansing , yet painfully difficult . i feel new yet rotten . what a contradiction . i still wonder if you'll ever call , if you'll ever come back to me . and if you do , i don't even know what i'll do any more . i think if we were to get back together , we'd have to start over , not with all the trash from before [ not that it's all rubbish, but it's ... symbolic ] . strange , you know - i thought you were my whole life , but you only took up 3640 cubic inches of it . on the other hand ... you've filled my whole heart , and i guess that's infinitely more important .

it wasn't an easy thing to do , but at least now i can move on . i still find it hard to imagine my future without you , and i know you haven't said anything definite yet . but like i said , if you come back , we'll start over . and if you don't , well , either way this would have helped . at least now i can heal and not fester . but i'll always remember , always think of , always miss - and yes , always love - you . [ erm ... of course , that's barring amnesia . ]

and no , i don't regret what we had . it was heavenly ..... thank you .

just when you think you're going to get through it all right ... something happens and shatters everything, everything you'd started building again .

i'm sorry . i never wanted to hurt you . i'm sorry . if only you would give me another chance . i would do anything for you .

you once said i was your goodbye girl ... that i always come back to you in the end ... well here i am ... please let me back in ...

blogger isn't publishing right now ... oh well ... i'll post it first then .

nus still hasn't updated my account yet ... i'm really annoyed ... slow incompetent jerks ... i know they received the stuff yesterday morning ... sent me two emails yesterday evening - two minutes apart - saying the same thing : that i hadn't sent in my stuff and did i forget that the due date is today ? sigh .

i'm thinking i might go overseas ... not yet, maybe study in nus for a year or half a year at least (if i get accepted overseas i might quit), maybe get some work experience ... i'm pretty sure i can get a scholarship to the states, maybe not to one of the ivy colleges but at least to an average one - no way i'm going to a second-rate one though - and if it all works out ok, maybe i can go . problem is, i'd much rather go to the uk than to the us . i've always loved the british better than americans (damn imperialists - ops sorry michael) ... in general, prefer their culture to the american one (wait, american? culture? oxymoron ... - sorry again michael) ... but don't know if i can get financial aid to go to the uk ... and even if i get a tuition scholarship, the cost of living is still too high ... don't know if we can afford it . sigh . oh well . don't even know if it's a good time to go away, especially to the states - prime terrorist target (not that other countries aren't) ... well, whatever it is, it's just a plan ... don't even know if it'll work out ... don't even know if i really want to go just yet ... rather go away for my 2nd or 3rd degrees if i had to choose ... but it's just a thought .

i still don't understand ... is the "holiday" going to be a short one ? a real long one ? or forever ? i would really love to know ... know if i should wait ... or if not, gotta start getting used to the idea ... that it's forever ...

ok *shakes myself real hard* get a grip tan ... stop wishing it's not gonna help . and if he reads this he'll be immensely upset ... and you don't want that to happen right ? don't want to pressurise him right ?

... sigh .

i still can't go into my room though . other than sleeping at night which isn't really optional ... i can't stand to be in there . brings back memories ... painful ... memories ...

i can't stop rambling . help .