newsflash - "No one fell sick during the stay in Hongkong, where the women's team won the Plate trophy last Friday. The men lost all their four matches." - LOSERS !

i'm slightly worried; maybe the people who went down to singapore (or up to hong kong etc. etc.) for spring break should stay away from school for a week . not that they will or anything . no offense of course, but ... if you've been following the news (i mean a reliable one, not like - oh nevermind ! :p) then you'll understand my fears . oh and by the way, tish, it's Super Infectors - not whatever we were saying last night . ha ha :p

"ace kindred cheong shiang hoow" - what a name ! :p

anyways ... yeah i'm still hoping . don't shoot me yet . let me hope for a while . because i can't let go that easily ... can't - don't want to - let go without a fight . maybe it's foolish but i don't want to just yet . not just yet .

i told him not to read it anymore ... not for a while at least, until he can take what i say without getting upset . because i think - and i told him - that all that i have to say is just part of the getting-over-it process that i have to go through .

i've probably been bugging a lot of people today, talking non-stop about it, but i need to talk myself through it, analyse evaluate criticise and finally learn ... that's just me i guess, i get through things only by talking a lot about it . yeah i'm learning a lot about myself and about where i stand with God and vice-versa, guess that's probably the primary purpose in this .

from what i can tell - which is really not very much, when you think about it - he seems to be getting on with things . and reading his blog, i'm really happy for him . i mean i realise that he's finally doing the things which he wanted to do but which i stopped him from doing . i see really clearly his point ... i'm sure it wasn't like totally entirely 100% my fault, but the point is ... it's not whose fault it is, but it's just that being with me was bringing him down, and that's what he couldn't take . and i see that now . and it hurts to know that i did that to him ... but at the same time it hurts knowing that he didn't really say too much either . if we'd both done what we hadn't, it might have worked out .

but like he says, no use regretting . just gotta realise that it's happened and instead of regretting, gotta take control of things . which is what i'm doing . slowly i'm clearing out the trash in my life ... i don't mean trash like porn and drugs (you wish!), but trash as in ... the childish or impossible ideals and all the other things that are bringing me down - and that were bringing him down with me . and in place of that, getting God back to where he should be - should have been all this while but wasn't - and trying to get myself back to where i should be . yeah . gotta change for the better . i want to, because if - and i'm aware this is a really huge if and might even be nonexistent - if he gives me another chance, i want to be the person he knew before, last january . guess i somehow lost myself between then and now, but i want to find myself again ... and if he gives me another chance he'll see . or even if he doesn't, well, that's something i really don't want to accept right now, takes time yah so don't push it, but i guess i won't want to make the same mistake .

sometimes i wonder if he read all this would he give me another chance ? maybe if he knew how hard i was trying and how much i was attempting to change, he'd let me have another go at it ? but then again ... that's not really what it's all about, is it ? well he didn't say it was a break UP (read: permanent) ... he didn't say it wasn't either, so i gotta be careful about getting my hopes up too high, and i guess for now i'm well aware of that (naturally, gotta re-evaluate soon and not let it stagnate until it breeds mosquitoes) ... i guess i gotta be really well prepared that i might very well have to get over it for good, but at the same time, i'm thinking that if he hasn't said anything permanent then maybe there's the tiniest chance ? but if there isn't i also don't want to be so disappointed and hurt all over again ... not when i'm 24 hours into this now ... besides, it's only fair that i get back to him after i'm done "trying" or "attempting" ... cos if i'm still in trial mode i could screw up again . change first and then show him the new and improved me !

you know, i guess it's really good that he isn't reading this . cos he might get annoyed, or feel pressurised to give me an answer, and if he's saying it under pressure, he might not mean what he says or say what he means . so yeah, guess we just take a break, long one if have to (not like years and years lah), he said he would call me again, just not so soon . so yeah, i leave him alone for as long as he needs to catch up with himself, no use pressuring, and when he's thought it all through maybe there's a chance he'll give me another chance ... or if not then i'll get on with it ... even though it's really ... really ... hard ...

well u know what ? i know he still cares . maybe he doesn't love me the way i want(ed), but i know - and he said - he still cares . at least that's something . and well if we have to part ... better as friends than anything worse ?

ok i know i'm probably going to go upstairs after this and when i get into bed i'll suddenly remember he's not going to call and wish me good night and that will get me started again . but hey, at least this is a start, i'm thinking more rationally now, even if it's still almost nothing ... and at least i can talk to people about other things ! like the future - hey, i can talk about the future ! without like falling to bits ! well i still wonder how i'm going to make it there or to make it through there, but i guess i will somehow, for now i should busy myself with trying to improve myself and my life, gotta work at the change yeah, if i want things to be even remotely better in the near or distant future .

hey, i think people - including A, i wish i could tell him this but all in due time i guess? - will be glad to know that ... i think i've dropped (or at the very least am dropping) out of the cutting myself phase ... yay ! maybe i should throw a party . somehow it doesn't have the attraction it did before . maybe when you have other outlets ... and people to talk to ...

he was totally right, i should talk to my friends more, and i mean real friends ... guess it sucks that majority of them are so far away and i can't really call singapore or anything, but i think they do me a lot of good ... especially the gbers because everything goes back to secondary school at the very least and somehow that's a comfort . and tish too ! *fellowpig* and yeah, he was right that i should spend more time with my mom - and my dad, if he comes back again soon - because yeah, sometimes i hate them, but they do - she does - love me ... i mean she's tried to be nice even though it's really hard for her to see me all raw and cried out but not knowing why . and maybe it's true that i can't really tell her much because of the way our relationship is - but -

basically, i think he's right, we need time off, if things go well during this break, maybe we could get to know each other again, start over when i go back to singapore, meet up and catch up - "how have you been these past few months? what's new with you?" - sometimes you need to give a person time to actually find answers to these questions, useless asking "what's new" if (a) you're always hanging around them anyway, in which case the response would be "you've seen it all," or (b) you never let them actually go out and find out what's new, in which case it would be "how would i know, you never let me find out!" *detect hostility in tone*

yeah, maybe this is the best thing he could have done for me ever . and hey, maybe it shows he still loves me ! *grin*

i should stop giving myself false hope ... arghh ... stop stop stop *hypnotises self* ... no, i'm kidding. i guess the rawness is just beginning to dry and curl up, you can't really see or feel it but yeah it's there, right in the corner, right at the edges ... and soon maybe it'll clot over ... and then it'll start itching and you know how nice it is to pick and scratch away at a scab - and that would be a fine time to pack up all the painful letters - and then it'll heal ... either way i'll be fine ... of course right now i think i'll be more fine if we get back together, but even if we don't, yeah i suppose i'll be fine (ouch to think of being fine without him though) .

so, yeah, i gotta stop all this rambling ... but like i said, i just need to talk myself through it ... half of what i say should be invalidated ... and the other half is probably crap (not that the first half wasn't) ... but it feels good writing down the thoughts as they come ... more organised and i get to see things clearer that way .

yeah, he was right . gotta give him his space, give him back his life, give him back EVERYTHING for a while, let him sort through the mess i made, at the same time sort through my own mess (and i should also do that literally too before i have to vault from my door to my bed), and when we've both cleaned up, we can talk ! i know we will . maybe it'll just be as friends, but we'll clear everything up between us, and hey, like a very special somebody keeps telling me today - two very special people actually, just one more than the other - since i love him so much - and i do, i do! - gotta let him go . give him the freedom he needs and wants . do the best thing i can for him . let him find himself . let him be himself . and do the best thing for myself too - find and be who i really am . and i'm convinced that when he finds himself and when i find myself ... well first of all i'll understand that i'm ME, i can live without him, and what's more, i have to ! even if we were still together, i'd have to still be the me that can live without him . because i keep saying "share" and sharing is for two . so no point becoming the same person - or trying to - because you can't share something with someone who's actually you (scary actually) ... yeah, and second of all, after we each find ourselves, i think we'll be better equipped to talk things over, maybe get together (still hoping, hehe) or at the very least stay friends, and he's one person i'd love to have as a friend if nothing else (but fingers still crossed!) because yeah he's such a great person, whether it's as a friend or a boyfriend or anything . but, see, we can only talk after we find ourselves ... cos how can you talk to somebody who's actually you ? impossible ! *shakes head*

yay, i'm on my way ! like a rollercoaster, it goes up real slow, but when it goes down it's fast and scary and you feel like you might be dying ... but you're not ! and in a way, it's fun ... and yeah ... you get the point, don't wanna push it . don't be surprised if the plunge comes soon, but when i go on my second round around the circuit, i'll find the up section again ... that i will !

it's gonna be okay, i see that now . not immediately, maybe not even for quite a while, but yeah, things usually pan out quite evenly in the end .

i'm convinced it'll be easier if i didn't have to go into my room ever again . argh . but what to do, gotta sleep there rite ... and it's in such a mess ! that doesn't help . bleah . i used to love my room ... well i still do, but ...

anyway, yeah, there's so many things i gotta tell him now, but i know i gotta give him the space and time that he needs ... and hey, when he feels he can do it without freaking out, he'll come here and he'll see this ! and hopefully he'll understand everything then . or if not ... well maybe he'll ask ! and we can talk ! yay !

guess while i'm still making my way up the "up" ramp, i'll say a huge thank you to everyone who's helped today ... and also to A himself (unbeknownst to him) for whacking me upside down and making me cry, because if he hadn't done that, i might never have learnt, and then what will become of me ??? i'll be 80 years old and still in a mess ! *cringe*

and hey, guess what, i can still smile ! :) :) :)

yes, A, the shit has (or should i say did) hit the fan ... but who says we can't clean up ? at least, i will . don't wanna live with shit all over (ew) .

i still have a sense of humour !

yeah, it's gonna be okay . and what's more, it's going to be better this way ! i can feel it already . already i love myself more . already i remember the A i fell in love with . already i'm becoming the girl he loved . maybe we have a chance . but if not, well, we both paid a price to learn what we needed to . it'll be ok, i know it will . hurrah ! :)

okay, so i'm sitting in front of my computer tracking my documents (read: university applications) on dhl.com ... and i see that the actual application has been delivered but not the other thing i sent off which also pertains to university and whose due date is also tomorrow ... and i don't get why because okay, fine, it's a different building, but (a)it's within the same campus, (b)even supposing they're with different couriers, how long does it take to travel across singapore??? oh well.

yeah, at times i just feel so raw inside, like i've been torn open and left exposed, you know how it feels when you first fall down and get a huge scrape on your knee ... and then i feel like i can't stop crying, and in a way the huge heaving sobs do me good . but then other times i'm like, yeah, gotta be strong. and well i've got a lot of support (waves to my many supporters) and i'll do fine. i don't know, i don't know; there's this perpetual lump in my throat and my eyes are still aching from all the crying ... i don't know ...

he was right, it was better the way we did it before, but now i don't even know if we can go back to that ever ? and i don't know if i should wait or move on ? i want to wait but maybe i'm just hurting myself even more ...

it's starting again ... i better go . bye .

ever had your heart ripped clear out of your body and then fed to a paper shredder? that's how i'm feeling right now, or better. i feel like i'm about to DIE.

my eyes are raw from crying and i think my mattress is just about soaked with my tears.

i wish i could do it all over again. i wish i'd been less stupid, less selfish. i'm so so sorry ... i really really am.

i hope you can love me again ... because i haven't stopped loving you ... and what's more, i don't want to. you mean more to me than anything - anyone - ever did. if you give me another chance, it'll be the way it was at the very beginning, i promise you. because i miss that too, because i miss myself, because that's why we loved each other anyway, right? that's the me you fell in love with ... and that was the you i fell in love with.

i hope i hope i hope ..... and i'm sorry .....

the north during its winter does not grudge the south its summer. at times though, it seems unfair. sigh.

A, i'm appealing directly to you. do you read this anymore? do you really have nothing to say about all i've written over the past six days? talk to me, A ... i miss you. it's so hard to say anything, don't you see, because if i sound too clingy and dependent you're not gonna like it ... but at the same time, i don't want to make it sound like you're so dispensible, so replaceable ... because you're not. i can get over it, A, if i'm really forced to. but the truth of the matter is that i don't actually want to. having you in my life is - was? - such a joy. i love you, A, i really do ... please don't do this to me any longer. i've been holding off for almost a week now; at times i think maybe i should just wait for you to call, and if you don't, i'll drop quietly out of your life. but it hurts so bad; i don't want to lose you A, and i don't want to leave you either.

please .....

i don't think it was anger in your voice that day when i called you ... it was more like contempt ... is that all i mean to you now?

had diarrhea today, after a week of being off food, and just when i've started eating again ... i think my stomach has shrunk cos i can't really get my food down anymore ... and it's not nausea anymore, or at least not that kind. well it seems to be subsiding ... i hope it is, cos we're supposed to go to ikea tonight, and i really want to. meatballs for dinner, hurrah! :)

what are you trying to prove?

they say ignorance is bliss ... but oh, the freeing lightness of knowing ... i'm nowhere near sure, nowhere near anywhere, so to speak, but in a way, this is better. much better.

he was right, it's better to be open. i didn't get the chance to tell him i didn't need to know that. but i've changed my opinion about him. don't judge a person before you know them. but then again, i still don't really. so nevermind.

it hurts that i can't know, but what's the real reason for that? as for what is said - yes, it has been said. but was it really meant? and if it was, is there anything else? and if there isn't, why do the way you do?

will i ever? like the gauzy white material that hangs over me as i sleep, it's gonna haunt me for a long long time ... maybe the rest of my life. now i know what a ghost really is - not the spirit of the dead, but the spirit of one alive.

will it ever be the same? can it? do i want it to? and if it can't?

can i let go? should i hold on?

a series of cryptic messages, a chain of hints subtly dropped ... have a stick of lemongrass?

how stupid can people get? sigh. case at point. need i say more?

i hate the helpless fearful feeling i'm stuck with ... all the people dearest to me are in singapore ... and everything's so scary ... i wish i could do something. sigh.

and on top of all that, it still really hurts ... think my problem is i'm too weak, probably shouldn't show that i can't live without, that's probably going to drive away more than bring back ... well i've been increasingly able to do my stuff, applications and all that, and the knowledge that i have to actually study if i don't want to get 26% on any of my papers *hehe* ... can actually fool around now, am getting on with my life and daily requirements, no longer moping ... but what it's like now is that i realise how foolish i must have been, foolish and blind ... now i know it's not that i can't live without - i can, but it's just better, more enjoyable, more fun, more interesting, more special, more wondrous, more tahan-able, the way it was before. it's not that i'm not whole alone - i am, after all, i'm me, someone special, unique in myself; when apart we are two wholes, it's just that together we were one. and that completeness is really what i miss now.

i got over moses, i got over sebby, i got over tim, i got over andrew (just to name a few) ... sure, none of them were anywhere remotely near approaching a hint of what we had, but i guess it just goes to show ... if need be, i'll get over this. no i haven't given up hope just yet, i'm still waiting, i'm still hoping; i'll be patient for as long as i can, but if it takes too long then maybe it'll end up taking forever, and i don't want that. no it's not gonna be easy, if and when the time comes; it'll be harder than anything i've done before, but if i have to, i know i will. if. strange that just a couple weeks ago i was saying "in three months we'll be forever" - i meant together, but maybe fate (figuratively speaking) meant apart. i'm learning from this ... in a multitude of ways.

yeah ... gotta be patient ... gotta be strong.

it's such a fucked up day, everything is going wrong. i wish i could call him because i miss him so, i miss hearing his voice and i miss talking to him ... but i can't ... he makes everything all right ... i wish i still had him. i know i'm showing myself to be extremely weak and that's probably not the best thing to do, but ... i don't know. sigh. i don't know. everything i do reminds me of him - watermelon in the fridge that mom bought today; the ruled post-it pad that fell out of my bag when i reached in for my floppy; the migoreng i ate for lunch; the pencilcase i'm using; the broken pencil i'm still stuck with and in fact every single pen i own; applying to nus (which i've spent the whole day doing); my phone; my mosquito net; graduation; tv; msn messenger ..... the list just goes on and on and on and on and on. i don't know what happened. i wish i did. i wish i had him back. i hope he still cares ... i hope he'll love me again. i don't know what to do. i don't know if he still reads this at all ... i hope he's okay ... i can't do anything if he doesn't want me anymore but i hope to God that he does, i really really do ... i miss him ... i miss him ... i miss him ... is there anything i can do??? :*(

i've thought long and hard over any possible course of action. i know i've done at least four really stupid things over the past two days, but well neither of them yielded any results and i'm really regretting i did them, and i hope i'll be forgiven for it. so now i'm making sure not to let that happen again. to tell the truth, i don't know if this is all that good a thing to do, but i think it's passable ... i hope!

i won't call or sms even though i'm dying to inside, because i know that's not what i should do right now. i thought of emailing but then realised that hey, that's not really giving a person space. i didn't want to say anything here cos it sounds so fake, plus i have to write with my entire audience in mind ... but i think that coming here at all is a choice ... if you know what i'm getting at. that's not to say i don't want you to come here anymore ... if you're reading this i'm awful glad you're still having anything to do with me at this point in time, and i hope you won't stop reading it either. it's just that if you really didn't want to hear anything, or have anything to do with me, you wouldn't come here and wouldn't have to read this. and if you do, it could maybe say something ... give me a little hope perhaps?

i've told myself not to speculate because it's not going to do any good ... and it probably wouldn't be half-true anyways. i've realised that to a rather shocking extent, anything i'm upset about was my fault ... because it's hard to tell anything at all to anyone who's crying all the time, what more discuss any existing problems? and all the time i should have been there for you to talk about your problems with, just as i could tell you about mine. and, well, i won't say too much more here, but i know there's lots i should have done, and lots more i shouldn't. i mean to say i'm sorry, but i don't want to say it where it sounds so hollow. but i hope it gets across that i've learnt what i should have known long ago, and i can't promise to be entirely different in the twinkling of an eye because i know i can't, but i can promise to be more aware and to ... do things right as far as i can. if i get the chance to, that is ... and i hope to God that i do.

i'm worried but i'm glad you said something - albeit not to me, exactly - because at least now i've got one thing vaguely beginning to look as if it could be resolved. no, i don't know for sure, but it's way better than nothing at all. i get that pang every time i look at anything sitting on my bed, or every time i shake my left wrist ... or even every time i see my red nightie, or a piece of watermelon, or when i think about shadows on a signboard. i feel it every time i get a message on my phone, or every time it buzzes. i've realised that all i've done is take, take, take ... and i've given back less than a fraction of what i got. i think about all the times i hung up or refused to pick up, or all the times i said "goway," or all the times i thought i didn't want to go on ... and i wish i'd kept my mouth shut! and i know that whilst it can't be entirely my fault, i probably had quite a large part to play. (but then again i could simply be flattering myself - and i'm sorry if that's the case.)

well, whatever it is, i think i probably deserved this, probably needed it to smash into me the way it did and in the process bring me to my senses. i hope it's not too late; i hope i won't have to close up the museum ... i know this won't solve everything, and i still hate not knowing ... but i guess, for now, i just want to say ... i'm not asking for what i was before, i hope you know the most important thing to me now is that you are okay, even if it's not with me or whatever. i hope i can one day know what happened and i hope, as i've said before, that i won't have to close up my - our? - museum ...

i don't know what else to say. i'm sorry. :*(

on second thoughts, it isn't like andrew's case at all. because andrew didn't *really* care. and we never had *anything* real. i know this is different. i don't know. i don't know what to say. i hope it all gets better soon. i'm going down to singapore tomorrow night. and it's really hard but i'm going to keep praying. it's really hard but i don't want to lose faith. i wish i could undo all the things i said and did. i wish i could do something to make things better. i don't know. i won't say anything more, it all sounds so hollow. i just ... i don't know. sigh. i don't feel anger. i feel fear. and sorrow. and regret, although it's too fucking late. and i just hope it all gets better soon. sigh.

i dont usually advertise, but i just have to say that today is the worst birthday i've had... ever.

and i'm suddenly reminded of andrew..... except maybe this time it's my fault. :*(

i'm kind of worried about that sars thing going around. whatever it is, it can't be good. and it's not one of those far-off things that you can just ignore. it's international, dammit! :*( i'm scared :*(

i can't wait for spring break. i'm running out of fuel..... *emits sputtering noise from internal engine*

i decided last night's blog was a little too harsh ... even though it was true ... so accordingly decided to delete it when i got home today. although that's not to say that what i wrote wasn't true ... to a certain extent it was ... and it's not that i didn't think before posting - i did, but at the time it didn't seem so bad.

anyway. i don't know, i'll be brutally honest here, besides having a lot of work to do i've also been so (routinely) lazy that it's just piled up ... got my world lits and ee out of the way ... wrote half my world lit 2 on the morning it was due ! slept only half an hour the previous night bc i was working on my ee too. finally finished my ee on monday - really really owe mr eversoll big time for that, he's been so great about it, couldn't have done it without his help ... if you're reading this, hi! *waves* and thank you so so so much. yep, so that was a big relief. ok but that's not the painful bit. not that any of what i'm about to admit should hurt, but you know how it is with pride, once you get way up there you can't get down. but anyway, better that i jump than fall, so here goes ... i guess i've just had so many problems and no time to really resolve them; of course i've also just been staunchly refusing to even admit to much less think about some of them, but ... i know i have to. i know it. and now that i actually want to try to begin to contemplate thinking about all of it ... well, i simply have no time ! :*( mocks in two weeks (not counting the physics on friday), and loads of homework to do every day ... so many obligations to fulfill, not forgetting my extremely lazy nature ... and naturally all the free time i can find is gladly parcelled up and shared with my favourite person in the world ... and so i just haven't had time to sort all this crap out. i want to, i really want to, now more than ever; but now's also the worst time i could pick to make such a decision. i haven't even had time or energy to blog much - this is an exception and i will say that it is at the expense of my homework. like i've said, i don't want to excuse things away too much, but at this point i think it just makes it that much harder to deal with academics when i'm all tangled up like that inside.

problem #1, i've tried approaching her at least three to five times, with the intention to talk ... and i honestly don't know if it's been intentional or simply by some fluke of nature that each and every one of those times she just ups and goes off with at least one other ... it could very well be pure chance because it's not like she acknowledges my approach, at least not visibly ... i really don't know, and i don't want to make assumptions, but i'm afraid i have, and i've just written it off like that. i've concluded that, well, if she chooses to be like that, nothing i can do about it right, not like i haven't tried, and not as if she's my only friend. problem is, as two very highly esteemed people actually pointed out to me today (how coincidental!), i don't know for sure if she's really "chosen to be like that," so it's really not fair for me to just write her off that way. moreover, and this is not an excuse, i'm pretty sure things just can't and won't be the same, even if we do sort things out. i don't know. sigh.

problem #2, and yes it hurts to admit this, i'm jealous. utterly jealous. i know it's wrong, and maybe to a certain extent it's unfounded too, but ... first of all, it's totally unfair that they should be able to enjoy those two years more with each other, plus these last three months that have evidently made them so close. i'll be honest here and say that i truly resent that. it's not their fault, but i resent the powers that be from taking me away from that. and it's not just that; it's hard to explain unless you live with them but somehow they've got it all backwards, you can't use your authority to force people to do something they like, yet at the same time disappear for ages ... or go all fanatic about stuff ... i shan't go into that but i will say that i'm more bitter than i realised about the fact that they deprived me of those times, particularly when i see how they've benefitted from it. also ... i thought i was cool with it, but i guess it hurt more than i let on - even to myself - when i had to keep hearing about the fun they had together, the outings, the new friends, the *boy* friends ... and the many times i had to just sit there and listen to them discuss unfamiliar events associated with unfamiliar names ... and the few occasions where i tried to say something but was finally forced into the realisation that nobody gives a shit about what life is like in kl, because hell, don't all singaporeans think it's crap compared to the heaven they live in?? and so i decided to save my breath and just clam up. i know it's a two-way thing; my fault for giving up, my fault for spending my first nights here on the phone with ian more than anyone else ... but the blame isn't entirely mine to bear; i couldn't help those many times when i called but they were too busy, or on the phone with someone else, or simply spent the whole time raving about some new guy, or talking about themselves - until i had to put down the phone. and neither of us were to blame for the fact that their parents just didn't let them call kl, because hell, 40 cents per minute is waaay beyond what they can afford, isn't it, with those five-digit salaries they were drawing?? so i guess it all started then, long ago, without either of us knowing it. and it didn't seem to matter at all to me, at that time ... but now i realise it's been gnawing away and it's done a lot more damage than i'd ever envisioned. okay, so now we come to the jealous part. (sorry but we needed all that background there.) tell me if i'm wrong - i accept that i very well may be, after all, isn't it just in our nature to remember the bad and later exaggerate it all in a quest to make yourself feel pitiable and justified? - so yeah, if my memory has failed me horrendously, and if i seem to be telling complete lies about anything, i won't hold it against you if you correct me. but right now, what my mind is saying to me is ... nobody bothered really sending me off; yeah we had that dinner thing all right, but if i remember rightly, only four of us ended up eating, the rest just gave stupid crappy excuses and didn't turn up, i got the impression that boys or looking all pretty for founder's day dinner was exceedingly more important than spending my last night with me. it's not that i don't remember or didn't appreciate the present(s), but somehow nobody seemed to really care that i was even going away. probably not entirely their fault that i was departing in a stupid old coach from a stupid old (and rather tacky) hotel ... but it just hurts when i read about how flocks were at the airport sending her off, crying and all that. from what i remember, nobody even shed a tear for me ... in fact i got so sick of waiting for people spending hours in the stupid taka toilet prettying themselves up for a stupid dinner which wasn't even a prom and i distinctly remember upping in a huff and just about leaving ... and now, people saying they miss her so much, going all ecstatic about a stupid phone call or sms, emailing back and forth and flooding my mailbox with their stupid emails which aren't even directed at me, or when they are it's always the same stock phrase(s) that i've heard from millions of people - including near-strangers - over the past two years. frankly, it just pisses me off. when i did the email thing, half the addresses were out of use, and the other half just didn't even bother to reply most of the time ... now people are practically begging her to come (go) back, but whenever i drop by it's always something or other that keeps them away - other friends, some stupid guy, prior arrangements ... admittedly not everything can be helped, but still, it hurts. people talk about going to visit her, but when anybody comes up they don't even bother calling (with one exception). it's like, i'm so much closer to you than she is, it's so much easier for you to see me, and yet you don't even bother ... but with her it's like you really can't wait. and, very honestly, i don't understand that. in a way, that's also part of the reason i hate the figures of authority ... i mean if they wanted to drag me away, why couldn't it have been to a more exotic place? brazil would have been fun, or even hong kong (and that's not something i would ordinarily say!) ... but they had to choose kl ... i think it's just too nearby for anybody's good, bc it gives the (false) impression that i haven't really left yet, it's just an extended stay in a neighbouring country, it's so easy for me to commute down that when i actually do that, it loses all significance and nobody really gives a damn. well, okay, that's unfair, because we do meet up sometimes, specially for me. but the whole atmosphere is that of - you haven't really gone away, so it's of no importance when you come back, coz you didn't even leave to begin with! and now everyone's talking about australia, the states (imperalist country), possibly the uk ... and only these hold any significance to you. it hurts, because even though i went away, it didn't seem like the fact had really registered with you. welllll ... that's rather unfair bc i know of late some people have been more concerned, asking a little bit more about school work or academics or social life or the future ... but i suppose from the start it's been grounded in that thinking ... and it hasn't really helped at all. know what i mean? ... sigh. and another reason i resent the authority is that they don't really care, they don't ask until they get a stupid letter, then they don't stop asking ... and the whole irony of everybody else going away and me going back just strikes me hard, and it hurts too. i know i want to go back for *certain* reasons, and i suppose right now even if i had a chance i would opt to return. but it's the principle of the thing that matters ... i don't know if i'm making any sense, but i'm just doing what i said i would and being brutally honest. why else am i jealous? i don't know. there are probably a lot of things that i haven't yet said and probably am not even aware of but which are gnawing away at me nevertheless. but i've been frank here, and it hasn't been easy admitting anything that i have. i think the whole thing was catalysed and exacerbated by her leaving, and everybody suddenly becoming so reflective on it all, fondly recalling the past three months spent so closely, and cherishing every phone call or sms ... and here i am screaming, "don't you see? are you blind? it wasn't any easier for me ... it wasn't any different than when i left." but nobody seems to hear me. it hurts that she called everyone (ok, maybe this is an exaggeration, i don't know) but not me ... that she smsed them all but not me ... that she refers to them collectively, seemingly forgetting that there's also me, insignificant and little but nevertheless me, and i can't be lumped together with them anymore. i don't know. it hurts.

i've digressed from the problem counting thingy. i suppose this has been *The* biggest problem so far, or at least one of. so many things that i've suppressed but which are now just boiling themselves over. for a long time they've known - some of them at least - that i've been becoming increasingly jaded, cynical, and disillusioned ... they told me that they noticed it, but nobody ever bothered (or at least not noticeably) to find out how or why or anything of the sort. i'm sick of people repeating the same clichés over and over again, things like "have faith" and "i (we) will pray for you" and so on ... it doesn't help ... friends are supposed to ask how and why and to find out the deep dark secrets. but nobody does, and i don't have anyone here. and now that i see the fanaticism that's being showered over her, i'm infintely jealous. which probably explains the increased hostility. i don't think many people bother to read this, but to those that do, i'm sorry. i am. i meant it at the time, and probably will continue to mean such things every time i read one of those stupid emails ... but i'm sorry. i've been selfish and i'm sorry if i've hurt you.

sigh. well that's enough critical thinking and analysis for one night. there are other stuff - big important ones too - but it's late and i want to spend some time with my little baby bc i haven't had much chance for that lately and it's really getting to me. plus i have homework, and i'm tired. i won't apologise for anything i've said above bc i don't think it's harsh or hostile or even remotely offensive. if anyone is hurt it should be me. like i said, i was gonna be honest - the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God. i think my problem is i kept giving those cryptic replies and/or responses, so that nobody really dared to say anything for fear i would ridicule them. and i probably would have too. but it's all getting too much for me - i'm getting too much for themselves - and i know it's time to lay the cards on the table before it's too late and i ruin everything permanently. and we shall see where things go from here. for now, good night ... and congratulations to whoever has read (carefully and in detail, not skimming) the entire entry. i am inclined to be obliged to you. :)