today made me think of other v-days spent in other countries. i especially remember j1, tulips with prissie the day before, pink and purple ones i think ? of course the traditional hersheys cookies n creme kisses ... and coming home with that yellow file in the rain, getting wet at the bus stop and feeling sorry for my poor flowers. i dont recall very well the 2 years before that ... not with the gbers at least. but i do remember sec four ... or at least i think it was sec four, couldve been sec three but i doubt it ... the traditional hersheys in that bag and hanging around the stairwell at the far end ... yes i remember now it was sec four ... coz of 4b1 being so close to 2a2 ... shared same staircase ... and dot and huiying and all those *friends* of hers hanging around and making assumptions about us - and they probably were correct too ! ... in a way i really miss her ... i remember one monday after chapel, i sneaked off to their classroom, the moment she came out we hugged so tight for so so long ... and i knew then, i was sure then, that there was something really strange and special going on ... and i loved her so much ... she really understood ... i remember *the* letter ... blue envelope and blue stars ... and that night, as always, on the phone ... and i had to keep telling her to reread the letter until she got what i meant ... i remember another letter, written on silver-green paper, little bunny clip at the top ... i remember nights full of confessions, and the secret thrill at getting those letters ... and her offers to help ... and how could i forget her brother ... a pager vibrating in the midst of our prayers ...

i never could let go of the past ... i do miss her, and him, and them ... and everyone else ... and those times ... i miss mgs so much ...

ah what the hell. at least i kept up the hersheys tradition today. and hopefully made some people smile. happy v day people. and happy v day A baby ... remember last year's was spent on the bus crying ... and those sweet sweet messages u sent me ... i love you so so so so so so much ... *huggy forever* ;)

she found out. stupid of me but how was i to know she would change my bedsheet today and she found out. she didnt say anything but then she saw the marks and when she asked i lied but she'd found it under my pillow and the way she looked at me i knew she knew. and i knew she was going to tell so i got mad and i told her she better shut up and not say a word. in the end i had to promise to tell her why or she said she would tell. but im gonna break that promise. i have no explanations, not even for her.

people get it all wrong. not that im blaming them, not that its their fault, but they get it all wrong. like threatening to tell. like real thats gonna work!!! its just gonna cause more reasons to do it - or maybe even something worse. or like saying since ive diagnosed myself (by the way im impulsive, used to be episodic, recently escalated to repetitive, or so i think) then i should also go to the self help pages. just for your info, i have. and it hasnt helped! it doesnt always work that way. or like saying i shouldnt do it anymore coz im using it as blackmail. no i am not! im not doing it to hurt anyone. and you know id never want to hurt you, of all people. its not to get back at you. i never meant to tell you and i never will again. because blackmail is not my intent! and i dont want it to be. try to accept even if you cant understand - its not to harm you or anyone, its not blackmail or threat or self pity. its not even like im using it as an excuse to slack off or not to do work - because i totally am not and i am sure some people can testify to that. its coz i want to, i like to, it makes me feel better, and i mean it. at least i can pay for some of the trouble ive caused ... if you see what i mean. it keeps me from killing myself, or even worse, from killing someone else .....

maybe i shouldnt be the one reading up about it

... i could actually smell the blood this time ...

Studies have suggested that when people who self-injure get emotionally overwhelmed, an act of self-harm brings their levels of psychological and physiological tension and arousal back to a bearable baseline level almost immediately. ... They may still feel bad (or not), but they don't have that panicky jittery trapped feeling; it's a calm bad feeling. ... They were taught at any early age that their interpretations of and feelings about the things around them were bad and wrong. ... Self-injury is a maladaptive coping mechanism, a way to stay alive. People who inflict physical harm on themselves are often doing it in an attempt to maintain psychological integrity -- it's a way to keep from killing themselves.~Just as those with eating disorders tend to shroud their activities in secrecy -- anorexics who wear baggy clothes, bulimics who purge n private -- self-injurers often injure places that can be easily hidden by clothing, such as the arms, upper chest and upper thighs. ... Yet, Levenkron says, "Self-injurers are not suicidal. They're pretty careful. They don't intend to destroy themselves, so they quickly figure out how deep, how long, they can safely cut." The wounds are usually quite short (only an inch or so, usually on the non-dominant forearm) and very controlled. Nevertheless, tragedies -- including serious medical complications or death -- can and do occur.~but if you're diagnosing your own problems, if you're giving them names, if you're actually reading up about them - then maybe there isn't really anything wrong in the first place ? i mean maybe it's not what you think, you just want it to be that way ? to get pity ? but that's not what i want. i don't want pity. i don't want anything at all. i don't even want anybody to really know or say a thing. i just want to know, for myself that is all. i don't care if no one believes me but that is the truth. i just cannot understand ... i can't even put into words what i want to say now ... i hate the people around me ... i hate society ... everybody is just one big lie, nobody is what they say they are ... i look at people all around and i simply want to throw up ... i don't want people to start leaving me emails or messages saying "what abut me? i'm ok rite?" or getting offended or angry or watever, because i m not going to reply to them ... i m not going to appease or reassure anyone tht they are my friend n i love them. they ought to be confident enough not to need that ... n if they are not then it is too bad for them. i m not talking about any specific person or people. i don't understand so many things about society, or about this world. i do not understand why nobody else feels disillusioned or jaded about the things that are all around. i do not see how people can walk down the street without feeling that familiar disgust or cynicism. i can understand temporary happiness, but i can't see how people can keep from being permanently depressed in a world like this.

but i think more than anything else, i hate myself ... i hate the way i'm so selfish, so self-righteous, so critical and so judgmental of everybody else's weaknesses when i myself am worst or at least as bad as them. and don't just tell me that, well, i just have to be less critical and more tolerant, blah blah blah. do you think i don't know that ? do you think i don't try ? i'm not stupid. i know how i should solve the problem, i just cannot do it. do not ask me why. i just cannot. i try to be tolerant, even accepting. but every time i look at society - or anything that even remotely symbolises or represents society - i just feel that repulsion and extreme bitterness and resentment. do not ask me why. it is not even that i think i m good myself. because i don't. i hate myself the most, remember that.

there's something i really want to say but just can't seem to put it into words ... just can't seem to get it out of my system. i think i am really crazy. i do not know what to do ...