k mom's friends just came over today. a couple and their kid, plus the wife's mother. freakin irritating. if i had my say i'd squish the kid and grind his remains into the ground under my heel. irritating little squirt. and im sorry but theres just something about the way chinese-ed people speak... im not saying theyre inferior im just saying that ching ching chong chong accent really bugs and i mean bugs me! grr. >:( well okay, granted, thats not really their fault - you cant help your background n stuffZ - but the least you could do is rein your kid in! y'know, get him to shutup a little, maybe stop charging round the house like a rhino on the loose... or even if you cant do that, you could reduce the din a little yourselves by (a)not scolding ur kid in fang yan (fang yuan?) all the time - it's chor lor (sp?) and way too noisy - and (b)not talking so damn loud all the time! sheesh! its really pissing me off. how am i supposed to concentrate on my work?! ...and as if the constant squeaking by ty's silly budgies wasn't already bad enough, they have to start whistling to attract the damn creatures' attention... and now for some reason or other they keep on repeating "z for? ZIPPITY!" in that damn annoying accent slash voice! like, SHUT UP! AND I MEAN NOW! doesnt help that mom keeps playing the *ever hospitable guest* and acting sweet and sugary and all that crap... i swear, they are all driving me crazy... just you wait and see.

other things i actually can think of amidst the row: 1.A's in taman negara. poor baby *hug* ... 2.i finished and handed in my fieldwork today! finally, one stupid ib thing out of the way! ... 3.im as good as dead in all other aspects of the ib. seriously. im swamped with work but im still the same old lazy slacker that ive always been, so i doubt im gonna get much if any done. sigh. ... 4.tish msged me today. yay! its good to know shes safe. tish: be glad its only cheena ringtones u have to contend with, and not these stupid shrieks and screams and yells, and deluges of cheena, guangdong, and fujian. and half of them in squeaky baby-language tones - u know how people like to talk to kids in that stupid singsong way? yeah. id much rather have cheena ringtones, all four (or was it five) of them. wouldn't you?

its been a bad monday what with the crazy school printers, me not knowing how to work word, draggy rain, insane traffic jams... and now my house has been invaded by a bunch of buggers. (the smallest one of which is presently splashing around in the bathtub... poor marlyn!) - what luck... i hope i survive the week. (especially since i wont have A... not that much at least.)

sigh.

somehow or other, not very hungry, cant eat dinner. maybe coz of e lots n lots of watermelon i ate just now. yummy. but more than that, very very worried about someone whom i have not heard from the entire day. well, not exactly..... supposed to get up at 7 but only did so at 843am, then didnt msg or call the entire day, cant be still in the lecture right??? really unusual. and im really worried :*( im always so scared something will happen and then what am i going to do? wont have anymore reason to go on..... please please be okay.....

slept four hours just now, dont know why so exhausted. cant get down to doing my work, but i have to, i have so much crap to do.

saturday 11 january / sunday 12 january / - pretty sad... and pretty morbid. i dont know why but when A told me about it last nite i suddenly got so scared. but then again im scared of everything nowadays, so probably it isnt anything much. its just that... the way they report it... "train services at the station resumed after a six-minute delay. train services were not disrupted as northbound train services were diverted via the middle track at amk mrt station." its just so... clinical, so factual... i mean the woman's dead for goodness sake... and there they are talking about six-minute delays and diverted train services... the trains were diverted around her dead body... and they talk about it as if it were some minor problem, like a stalled train or a mechanical fault or something. i wonder about her students today... from the holy innocents sec school... i wonder what theyre thinking... i wonder how they feel...

the other day when i was ircing, the pple on #acjc started talking about huiling: "apparently some j1 girl commited suicide last year... jumped off some construction site... if property prices werent at a low they will be now" - something like that. i can get the actual quote from the chat logs at home if u want... if i still have them. then they were all debating about it... "cannot be lah, dun talk cock" ... "wasnt it 2 years ago?" ... "dun believe u" ... "u mean it happened again?" ...i decided it would be better not to say anything... or theyd all swamp me asking for details... and huilings death isnt for exploiting... it isnt meant to be used to gain attention. i remember what suren said that morning when we were closed up in the classroom: "i wanted to skip pe, u know, but not this way." - i felt just the same. i felt id rather have had a million pes, a million circuit training pes (is that what they call them? i dont even remember anymore...), than skip one miserable period of it for that reason. and on that morning... we were shut up for a reason... but pple outside still got to know... started smsing us asking what where how why... i dont know if it was someone from our class or if they got to know some other way, i hope its not the former, but either way they still found out. and that day at lunch - even before that, at recess - there were pple walking round and round the construction site that was the school, asking "where? where? which level did she jump from? on which spot did she land?" its so sick, you know, i hate the way pple gossip.

ok but that wasnt my point. its just that... when someones dead... all pple can think of is the sensational details, or getting attention by flaunting what they "know" - or, as in this case, by how many minutes the train was delayed. if i committed suicide, i would be so insulted to know that pple just diverted trains or traffic away from my body... i would want pple to care. but then again, if i committed suicide, i probably wouldnt give a shit if anyone cared... if i committed suicide, it would be precisely for that reason: that nobody cared/cares. and besides, by that time i wouldnt be around to know anyway.

ah well. its the media; doesnt represent society. hopefully people arent as cruel as the media is. but somehow i know im just speaking hypothetically... somehow i know im just trying to convince myself, to make myself feel better. theres not much if any chance of that; pity. maybe our pre-industrial ancestors were better off than us... at least they knew the meaning of community.

6 months... 24 weeks... 86 days (is that right michael?)... 33 classes... i really cannot wait. i'll pull through this somehow... i will survive yet... i have to... i must.

p/s: so much for a break. ah well. somehow ive convinced myself im not the poser that she is. im probably wrong though. what the hell.

i dont think i want to blog anymore... i hate the way i sound... i hate words i hate writing i cant put my thoughts down on paper properly... AND... couple of days ago, asked somebody to read the blog of this girl whom i think is a real poseur, and he said we sound exactly alike... i mean he didnt know what i think of her, he thought she was my friend... well technically i think shes supposed to be but i just dont really like her much... so i think im gonna stop writing. anyway, figure nobody really wants to hear my ranting... after all its become just that... no more interesting discourse, just intense dissatisfaction... endless complaining... i dunno whats wrong with me anyways... and i am really really sick of the life that im living. well i know that its nothing compared to a lot of others... i mean im lucky i can sit here on a sunday afternoon, second level of my split-level bungalow, dad in brazil, maid gone out, chatting online, eating cocktail sausages and drinking apple juice... and thinking about school tomorrow, international school of all things, taking my ib exams in may which ive already paid for... my own bedroom, a cupboard full of clothes... u get my drift. i mean im better off than maybe three quarters of the rest of the world, maybe more. i have tish waiting for me to come home in june/july so she can play the guitar for me every nite... and A calling me every day and making me feel safer than ever... and a car in the driveway and money in the bank... yet here i am complaining every day... i mean people would kill to have food in their stomachs, a shirt on their back, a shelter over their head, no need to say education... and yet i keep wanting to quit school and not do my work... i dunno. dissatisfied n discontented i guess. keep thinking, if only i could go home, things would be better. if only the weekend would come. if only holidays were here. or better still, if only i could get back to 2000, if only i had mgs all over again. but if you live only in the past or the future, youll never enjoy the now. and thats sad cos you dont appreciate things till theyre over and gone. but somehow, just cant get into my thick skull that i should stop being such a dumbass. maybe thats why hate myself, cos being an asshole 24/7 and know it, but not stopping. stupid girl. plus, been blessed with brains... maybe not very good ones but nevertheless functioning, but not putting them to use... underachieving... but lazy, n besides, struggle to decide if its grades that mean the most or is it better to sacrifice a little in order to have a life, my life, the way i want it. dunno. cant figure life out. maybe im nothin but a quitter, just rationalising by saying it aint worth it, all that crap. i dunno. want the life but dont want to work for it. lazy bum. damn impatient, intolerant... judgmental... heck, i dunno, i know nobodys perfect, but maybe im trying too hard to be? without even admitting it to myself? i dunno. watever. i just want to do what i like... selfish bitch... dun wanna work or contribute to society... just wanna hole up in a corner with the things and pple i love, and live in my own lil world..... i dunno lah. i think i sound pretty much like the rest of the world and i hate that. think ill take a break from blogging for awhile. we shall see.

i dont feel like writing anymore. cant be bothered to put everything into words. its like i cant find the right ones. just like with my blasted ee. i am going to be so dead >:( watever. feel like quitting ib. cos i dun think i can handle the ee and i dont think i can finish my cas. i dont even know if i want to anymore. i hate malaysia... i hate kl... i hate iskl... i hate school i hate work. i hate this place... i really want to go home. i mean i cant take staying here anymore, with them... i want to go home to the places and the people that i love and am so familiar with. right now im just biding my time till cny... then ill be biding my time till the next holiday and the next one and the next one (i think we have 2 in feb including cny, and 3 in march), then till spring break, then blah blah blah and then till graduation and then till mid/end june when i can finally go home. seems like damn far away u know n sometimes i wonder if i can last that long. sigh >:(

i hate my life >:(