i am SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH. and i dont care. i LIKE being SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH. or maybe i dont. argh i dont know. forget it. i feel all screwed up inside.

hmm... i had stuff to say but im suddenly too tired n lazy to say it so forget it. sorry. bye!

i am going to stop posting for a while until i get myself sorted out. i don't know why but for some weird reason i have been feeling really hormonal (translate: GRUMPY) these past few days. and i've been having the worst moodswings... happy one minute and then really depressed/ pissed off the next. i haven't been this way for quite a while and i have no idea why it's happening to me now. i've also been really really really exhausted lately. hmm, maybe i'm ill. actually, it sounds like i could be pregnant or something haha but since i'm a good girl i'm not worried about anything at all, just that all that stuff about feeling hormonal kinda made me think of that. ok nevermind i'm sounding rather incoherent. who cares. anyway, i found out about half of my semester grades and i'm satisfied with them i suppose. i could have done better for the math and physics exams, but since i didn't study at all i've got nothing to complain about. i think i've become a lil overconfident with the physics and math... cos i've studied physics for four whole years now and most of what i did last year (2001) was just the same as what i did the first 2 years (99-00), only this year was different... but i've gotten so sick of it also, can't really be bothered studying. that's why i don't want to do science in college; i thought i would before, but now i tend to think that i'm not really cut out for it. for math, well, i've done calculus for about 3 years now, so just got sick of studying... and getting confused cos of the 3 different ways of teaching and all that crap, and can't remember what's 'O' level or AP or IB if u know what i mean. but i still like math and i think it would be interesting to study at a tertiary level except i don't think i could handle all the abstract stuff. but my feeling about it right now isn't as bad as for science. i think the arts (i.e. humanities) hold a lil more attraction for me because they're more explorable and exploratory in a way... well maybe just at the level i'm studying them on, but i also think i'm more interested in understanding humans and human behaviour than trying to save the world with mathematical discoveries or scientific inventions. i'm not criticising the maths and sciences, cos i think it's great that the experts are working hard to find cures for cancer and aids and stuff, blah blah blah, but well personally i'm more intrigued i suppose by us unpredictable human beings. maybe cos of all the shit i've been through in my life... not that i pity myself and not that i'm trying to get others to pity me, i'm not asking WHY GOD or anything like that, i'm not saying i'm worse off than anyone cos there are more people worse off than me than there are people better off, and besides i'm cool with all that's happened, all part of my life and i suppose God's will for me and i can handle that. but... i suppose all that's happened has made me always need to find an explanation for things on an emotional + psychological level... always analysing situations and trying to understand how people feel or think and why they feel or think that way... etc. etc. but a lil selfish maybe cos i don't really have any plans to use any knowledge i acquire to help better the world; just want to know for self improvement and to help myself understand better all the stuff i've been trying to understand all these years. but i guess the application bit will evolve later on... maybe. and somehow i think i'm quite accurate at coming up with psychological explanations for things, personality thingies, relationship problems, behavioural quirks etc. but i just need the academic backup to support my intuitions and stuff. but well i think dad (not sure abt mom but she prob doesnt care only interested in me not screwing around i mean literally and not hanging out with crap people but wait isnt everybody crap people well might as well hole up in my room n pray all day then) wants me to do science in the u cos its a better bet and can earn more money blah blah typical sg thinking and easier to switch frm sc to arts than arts to sc and i dunno how much say i got in the matter prob none at all asusual so might as well resign myself to the fact tht i gotta study 4 years of some dumb science and fail cos i hate it so much right now im thinking philosophy + psychology sounds good anyway what was i getting at in the first place oh yes grades well i didnt get my anthro or tok grades but got my eng physics n math semester grades and hoping tht my anthro n tok grades wont pull my gpa down but i think pretty confident can keep it above 4 and maybe even above 4.1 if lucky dun really care abt valedictorian anymore cos im almost sure seok jin will get it just interested in keeping my grades up and thats it yup where was i going with that? cant remember anyway im feelin damn fucked up lately my life seems to be unravelling kinda like this blog (entry) yknow, like how it started out with nice spelling n punctuation (except for caps i nvr bother abt those) but now just like no fullstops no punctuation just rambling on n on and talking abt totally unrelated stuffs and using slangs and abbreviations and blah blah blah i dun even know what im saying anymore u know there was this one time i was in the humanities team room and then i asked whats the time n then found out i was gonna be late for class or smth so i was like "fuck!" really softly almost inaudible but angshuman who was sitting two seats down heard n he was like really shocked he was like tanya!!! what happened there??? yeah just one example of how ive changed, another time, was out for dinner with aunty ruths family and of course mom n malin n ty and then mom said to me, oh u shld congratulate josephine cos she got 246 (or was it 248? thereabouts) for her psle, n i was like, so??? i got 258. and i just went on eating my dinner or doing watever i was doing b4 n i think probably everyone heard n was like what the heck. i dunno i think ive just become really mean n uncaring n disillusioned n unfeeling n i dunno wat else i hate it but i mean i dunno n i know i have no right to live in this EVERYBODY OWES ME A LIVING way but i just do and i dunno why n i dunno lah anyway im too tired to think now i feel emotionally really dry like got nothing to give anybody i dunno wats wrong with me i actually went out with pamela just now n had a good time n i was feeling fine but came home n packed my room n gradually started feeling like shit i dunno anyway like i said i think im going to stop posting for awhile if i can, been really tired anyway n cant think of anything to say and besides im becoming really incoherent lately just like NOW so i just shant bother writing cos its all crap i wonder if im suffering from some brain disease thts making me either go crazy or just lose focus like cant concentrate on anything for longer than 5min or smth or maybe its depression? ive heard depression can make people not think or something but nah i dun think so cos im ok with other stuff like work n school n stuff imean like hmwk not work work if u know what imean and now that holidays r here im actually feelin better abt sch in a way so i really dunno wats going on anyway watever i have no idea wat im saying n i dun think anyone else does sorry pple for this crappy bs post thats making me sound like a sec one kid or smth who has no idea how to write or maybe like one of those pple who just ramble on n on n on n on in their online diaries or those pple who complain all the time or who constantly use this kinda punctuationless senseless english i know its damn annoying i hate it too sorry i think this entry kinda like more for myself to try to sort out my thoughts/feelings maybe smth like stream of consciousness u know hahaha just writing down watever comes to mind ya thats sort of wat it is or at least thats how i wrote it so anyway bye n sorry n keep those comments coming oh and btw if anybody knows how to help me fix my comp can u tell me cos its damn irritating thanks bye

i am pretty sure i am going to fail my physics exam. ah well, it's ONLY like 20% of the grade or something like that. whatever. i am such a slacker!!! :( anyway, i DID work today *swoon* and i think i'm going to study harder for my last 2 exams (math tomorrow, anthro on wednesday). and if i don't do well... my fault and i know it! :p

i guess i'm taking refuge in the fact that i'll be FREE (although only relatively - sob sob) on thursday. yay yay yay! and then jasmine (tan) is coming up next week, and so is tish, and then pa will be coming back from brazil too... and soon, in less than two weeks, i'll be in singapore! yay! i can't wait to see A again ;) and i want to walk down orchard road and see the christmas lights and hear the christmas music and basically get into the whole christmas spirit which is seriously lacking where i am. no offence to anybody but i have to say that the focus on hari raya really takes a LOT away from the christmas mood. of course i know it's only natural; after all, their hari raya is like our cny and i certainly couldn't live without the cny spirit either (despite the ultra-cheena songs and the orbit red-and-gold deco), but i still feel a little robbed by the fact that there aren't any carols being played, and that the decorations are more hari raya themed than christmas. (just a note: i even heard that jb banned christmas deco because they wanted a full-on focus on hari raya. a lil extreme don't you think; or maybe not, since the two events do stem from conflicting religions after all. which is extremely ironic since ishmael and isaac were both sons of abraham. oh the complexities of life...)

anyway, as i was saying... i can't wait to get back to singapore and go to clementi central with tish (guo tie! :p) and also to spend lots and lots of time with A. of course, i have lots of work to do (i'll never be able to escape, will i?) but i'm really glad because after this i'll only have six months more. yay! ... i guess i'm still really resentful of the fact that whilst my peers (in singapore) are done with their secondary education, i have to suffer half a year more than them. well, not that big a deal i guess. just to go out on a limb here, i was talking about it to jasmine lee today, and we both agree that whilst the IB might not be as hard as the (singapore) 'A' levels academically, it is a much more rigorous course - because of the fact that in-class grades count, and all the internal assessments, and cas and the (dreaded) ee. not to play down the stressfulness and difficulty in doing well in the 'A' levels, but i honestly think the IB is a lot more demanding, and maybe in a way the IB diploma is more hard-earned than the 'A' level cert. but oh well, don't want to offend anybody here so i shan't go on. or maybe it's just that the way they teach in singapore is so much more exam-oriented that it takes some adjusting to this system where it's a lot more learning-focused rather than just being bent on spoonfeeding one the exam answers. well, actually, not really - i can think of MANY MANY instances where teachers (and students!) have said stuff like, "we won't be learning this cos it's not on the syllabus," or, "we're only doing this because the IB wants it" and so on. i can't say for sure since i wasn't here in 9th or 10th grade, but i have reason to believe that it's not that way in those years (or less so) because they aren't bound by the IB syllabus and stuff. ah well. whatever. maybe i shouldn't be so analytical about it and just do it because i don't have a choice. bleah.

well, i think i'm beginning to have my faith in humankind slightly restored... or something along those lines. i mean the people who have responded to my last blog have really been supportive and i guess i'm beginning to see a few things that might help begin to answer some of the questions i have. i can't really shape them into words yet, but there are vague ideas forming - vague points of light in the distance - and i think i have reason to smile a little, or at least to have hope. i especially wanna thank pamela, jasmine lee, jasmine tan, michael, jasper (who, i think, deserves the most credit - it takes an extraordinary person to extend a helping hand to a stranger!), and of course my darling A.

i'll elaborate more when i have the words and the time. for now... i have to go study for maths and anthro. so long!

i dreamt just now of my acjc classmates and cried when i woke up. i miss them so much. you don't realise how unhappy you are until you remember the good times. i haven't thought of them in ages! i miss the lectures and tutorials and gp with kathryn koh and chinese with mr tay and math with miss kuah... i miss lunch together and kopi bing and chicken rice with lots and lots of black sauce :p and ian and adeline and brendan and suren and lumpy and darius kwa ... i miss annmei and grace and daphne and salome, and oh yes efrem ;p , and boom and even itt. sigh. and i think the most painful bit is that i know i'll never be able too see them all together again that way, because they've all finished with their 'A's (lucky pigs) and they'll never again be 1sc3 (or even 2sc3) As I Knew It. sigh. i hadn't thought about it that much for quite a long time, but doing so made me realise how extremely unhappy i am here. i don't know. i can't put my finger on it - some of the people are really nice but no matter how nice they are to me i know i can and will never fit in. never. i miss those times so much. people say, "ah well, just half a year and you'll be back." but that's not the point. it's going to be worse when i go back, because i'll be so close yet so far, if you know what i mean? what's the point of being in singapore if there's no more mgs or acjc for me to go back to? what's the point of going back when everyone else is going away (a point which i find most ironic)? what's the use of me going back because i know i'll never be able to recreate what we had then. and that hurts. and you know what else? even when i'm with tish, or even when i go back and spend time with the gbers, i'm exceedingly uncomfortable because i know i'm not who i used to be and i hate my new self and so i don't know how to react. and it hurts a lot :*( i don't belong here and i never will, but the worst part of it all is that i no longer belong there either. i don't know who i am and i don't know what to do :*(

i got the lowest in class for my tok oral. with the exception of aziz and joost who haven't done theirs yet, but i'm pretty sure joost will do well, and aziz will get at least an 18. not that a 17 is a really terrible grade or anything but it's the whole notion that i got the lowest in class that pisses me off. or maybe not even that; it's just that i've always known that bisset hates me and doesn't think anything of what i say or do. i still remember the time he asked me and paul to stay after class, and then told us we had to participate more if we wanted an A. i thought that was really unfair cos i did participate quite a bit (considering it's little old me who hates speaking out in class especially when it involves presenting personal opinions) and definitely more than paul, and it was only that one class where i didn't because i was feeling like shit because i'd just had a stupid quarrel with mrs orlando. i don't know... he just thinks i'm inferior... firstly it's quite plain to see that he's biased against asians, especially those who aren't as *americanised* as the vast majority. secondly it's also obvious that he's got his favourites and if you're not one of them, too bad for you. well i guess i'm not that U P S E T that i got a 17 and the lowest in class, but you know sometimes when you feel like shit you want somebody to bitch with instead of having people tell you that you're speaking like a third-grader? it was okay when jasmine said "that sucks!" and i felt a lil better; lindsay and honor helped too, and so did krisy at first, but when she said that thing about me talking like a third-grader i got really mad and just took my stuff and walked off. i guess my sec two personality chose the wrong time to come back to haunt me. well, i can't be sure but i THINK jasmine got mad too, after that. ok, i'm pretty sure krisy got mad, probably cos she thought i was being stupid, childish (like a third-grader, remember?) and ungrateful. granted, because like i said, i was acting in a sec two manner. but somehow i felt that jasmine also got angry. or maybe she was just like -whatever- because she thought i was behaving irrationally. i don't know. what i can say is that the people here (or at least a majority of them) don't really give a fuck if others are angry. they just stand there and get mad themselves, thinking things along the lines of, "who cares if he/she is angry. he/she is just being unreasonable/ stupid/ childish/ selfish etc." which might be true, especially under certain circumstances, but hey, i thought friends were supposed to be able to overlook each other's lousy points and encourage each other through thick and thin? oh but that's right, the key word is friends. which is not to say that none of these people are what i'd call friends, because some of them are, to some degree at least. but i'm speaking for the general populace where i am, i guess.

what added to my depression/ irrationality/ unreasonableness/ selfishness/ etc. was the fact that i slept with the lights on last night and was thus really exhausted today. and then the silly tape recorder kept giving me problems and i got really stressed (not that i wasn't before). and then i'd been thinking about A and missing him real badly and wishing so badly that we just spend some time together. and so i just couldn't take it anymore. later, when i passed by jasmine, ranjini, krisy and nozomi (they were flagging a cab because for some reason or other they didn't want to take a lift from me probably cos i'm such a bitch) i didn't even look at them. not as if they'd looked at me either. just me being proud again and imagining that they'd wave and say bye. but i guess since i'm so fucked up, there's no reason for them to do that and i should probably be grateful instead that they even know my name (as opposed to certain class officers who don't even know i exist). anyhow, i cried all the way home from school. thankfully it was just a half an hour journey or maybe even just 25 minutes so i got out of the car quickly and went up to the comfort of my bed and room, where i spent the next i don't know how long crying.

i'm such a failure in life. i can't do anything right. i make people hate me so much. what's the point of having brains if i don't have anybody to share with or talk to or laugh and cry with? i hate myself. i think i'm going to start cutting myself again it's a lot of fun and it honestly makes me feel better. i don't give a damn what anybody says, or if people don't understand, or if they try to dissuade me, or if brainless twits spread rumours. i don't care; i'll do what i like. since i'm already so selfish anyway, i might as well just go all the way. in fact, this is going to be my new take on life: never say more than required, smile like everything's all right cos nobody wants to know your problems anyway you selfish bitch!, hide out in dark corners as much as possible so nobody will have to see you and suffer, do your duty because you're living Under The System and you're just a statistic anyways so stop trying to get out of it you fucking bitch and just do what you have to!, listen to authority because They're Always Right; even if they're wrong - which they never are anyway or else why would they be Up There? - just do what they tell you to because like i've said before you dim witted imbecile you're nothing but an insignificant speck and nobody gives a shit about what you think or feel so don't bother saying it!, don't even try to make friends because nobody wants to be your friend you self-centred arrogant twit, never try to do well because what's the point anyway, you're still big fat nothing and not even performing brilliantly is going to change that (not that you could in the first place) so don't even bother and just do what you're required to you stupid thing. i guess that sums it all up. i don't really care if people start thinking i'm acting strangely, or if they get mad cos they think i'm being selfish and proud. after all, isn't that what i really am? oh, and childish too, like a third-grader, remember? in fact i think i'm going to drop ib... i can't be bothered to finish up the cas hours and i'm probably going to screw up my ee too so what's the point of doing it? and i'm slacking so much i'm set to fail all my exams anyway. and besides, isn't it part of my New Philosophy anyway? - do the bare minimum, and only if it's required of you by Your Superiors, because they are The Epitome of Perfection and who i mean what are you to cross them anyway you ignorant dumbass!

i hate myself so much. but i guess if there's anybody i hate more than me it would be The Psycho. unfortunately she's one of The Perfect Ones too so i have no choice but to do what she says, but the problem is that she's fucked up my whole entire life and is only getting worse. i guess i hate her so much because i think (or know) that she's to blame for me hating myself in the first place. i sometimes feel guilty for hating her so, and sometimes she actually SEEMS to be rather nice, but i think i've got to make myself see that i've no reason to be guilty cos whatever seemingly good things about her is just a farce and the real her is the one who screwed up my life and made me turn into this bitch who deserves nothing more than to be trodden on and then flung into the middle of a bottomless swamp so i can never get out again. sigh.

i don't want to go to hell but i can't bring myself to trust in God anymore. sure i believe, but that's about it for now. in a really remote way, perhaps, i still have a few last tiny shreds of faith. but i somehow can't see Him for the good God that He is (or that He's supposed to be). i go to church but only because it's what is required of me by one of my Superiors (i.e. The Psycho). but i don't sing at all, i don't listen to the message, and i'm hostile towards everybody there. and most of all, i don't even pray anymore. never. not before i eat, not before i sleep, not even when i'm in trouble. it sucks but i just can't do it. what makes me scared is that the world could end anytime - or i could die anytime - and then it'll be too late. but then that's just me being selfish again. it's not right to obey and have faith simply because i want to go to heaven. and in a twisted way, i wonder if maybe going to hell is really what i deserve?

i don't know. i can't think anymore. i'm exhausted and extremely frazzled and stressed out and upset, and i'm seething inside and i want to kill someone - either Her (The Psycho) or myself. i hate this... i hate everything. i hate my life. i know certain individuals are going to react in a violently negative manner because of this entry, but frankly i don't particularly care anymore. they can hate me for all i care. and besides, i hate myself too so their hating me will just be in line everything else in my life. sigh. i want to die so bad.

right now there are only a few individuals who can make me happy, and i would say that they've got a special place in my heart/life. A, of course, you're one of them; tish, i'm sorry if i've neglected you lately or anything like that, but you're the greatest sister ever and i'm really glad i have you! thanks and i miss you so much :*( jasmine (tan), thanks for all your encouragement and even your chidings/ admonitions. it takes a great friend to dare to point out another's mistakes and i'm glad you've had the courage to do so. i'm sorry i've been so hostile and cynical and depressive lately. i tried writing you an email in school the other day but i didn't have enough time cos the bell rang... and besides, i didn't know what to say. what do you say to the person who knows you so well and knows your fuck-ups and is praying for you and asking you to change and who still loves you so much nevertheless??? thanks for taking all my shit. i'm sorry i haven't been a good friend at all. i'm sorry. ty, i don't think he reads this (or if he does, he's not supposed to! hehe), but anyway he's been somewhat of a comfort to me and i'm glad to have him around (despite HMMMMM! :p). marlyn, she doesn't read this either but she's like my best friend and almost like a sister, and i couldn't have stuck around this long without her! lynette, esther, prissie, priscilla, zekey, they don't read this either (i think) but they've always been amazing. adeline and ian, they don't read this but i miss them and i know if i went back they'd accept me and love me still, changes and all. and the rest of the gbers - cass, szemin, liling, jinfen (hope i didn't miss out anyone else), their always being there is a wonderful thing to have. oh and one more person - dad even though he doesn't even know this exists; he's a little different from the others (i can't and won't go into how/why - tish you understand) but i think i feel bad for him all alone in brazil. so maybe i just feel obliged to him because of that; i don't know. but at any rate he's better (in SOME but certainly not all ways) than The Psycho. (unfortunately he too is one of Those Above Me and in a big way that's why it's different with him. ah whatever.)

i guess the reason why those people are so special to me is that they've been there for what seems to be FOREVER... some haven't, i know, and some not even a year *winkwink* but whatever it is, they're unchanging and loving and caring, and that matters. not unchanging in the sense that they themselves don't change, but more that they're always there and provide this unwavering pool/pillar of support. and that's really what i appreciate so much. and we can always get together again, no matter how much we've changed, and even if we don't understand the changes we still understand each other and even if there are no words we know we're there for each other through thick and thin. in a way each of them is also a wonderful connection to the past, and that's really comforting for me.

sigh. i don't know. maybe if nothing at all i owe it to these people to try to change, to try to be happy, to try to be selfless and humble. but maybe just not now. it's a little too much to ask of me (and i'm sorry it has to be that way) because i need to settle things with and within myself first. the most terrible thing is that i don't even want to see any of them anymore - not for a while that is. (with the exception of the alvin, tish, marlyn and ty.) i want to know that they're there, but i don't want to have to face them yet. i don't know if i'll be able to take it. and that's why i'm apprehensive in a way about meeting up with jasmine (tan) when she comes up. sigh. i don't know. i'm such a selfish bitch :*(

okay, i'm going to sleep now. i don't know what else to do and i don't know what else i want to do. i wish i could just build my own lil fantasy world and live there with the people i love and not bother about anything else at all. sigh. i don't know. i want to drown in my own tears and that won't be very hard considering they won't stop flooding out of me. sigh.

oh guess Who just came down and gave me back the stupid handphone that She was "going to take away for the rest of the year" ??? i hate her so much. i really do. like alvin said, she has to give it back to me because otherwise there's nothing else for her to threaten me with. as he so rightly put it, "what else can she take away after that? your bed?" - which goes to show, doesn't it, that maybe i'm not in the wrong because there isn't much if anything she can do to threaten me. i mean i don't go out a lot, i don't... ah fergeddit i just hate her so much. fuck. i hate my life. well, good that she gave me back my phone cos what would be really good right now is to hear A's voice. and besides, i sent tish a message today and i was hoping she'd answer ;) oh and another thing, the only reason why she took the darn handphone away is because she wanted to get into it and see my messages and find A's number(s). that bitch! does she think i'm stupid or what. (oh but i forgot, that's exactly what i am! forgive me.) and that's why she gave it back to me, cos she couldn't find a single darn thing. fucking loser.

good night.

silly links don't appear to work. here's what they were (two links there)... or as close to it as i could get. i'm not sure if dvds are a better bet than videos but i'm assuming so since they're more... hi-tech? :p anyway. i was just kidding... nobody's allowed to buy them for me... especially NOT you, A! ;) thanks anyway. love you always! :)

i'm back in school. apparently hari raya might be on thursday instead of friday and if it is we have no school on both days. so i hope the moon decides to be nice. oh but tok orals are on thursday... ah what the heck. not my problem.

i'm very very sleepy and i can't think properly. feel so incoherent HELP :(

gotta make brownie cookies today for tomorrow's bake sale (at the christmas concert)... then i gotta be here tomorrow evening to sell and usher at the concert. on top of that i have tons of work to do. i hate school SO much!!! >:( sigh. and i won't even be able to eat the brownie cookies after i bake them.

i don't know what i'm talking about. my sentences are convoluted and i'm not making sense. i want to go home (i.e.singapore). sobsob. bye.

"all i want for christmas is..."

this would be peachy... and if you feel rich, so would this! :p (i don't mean the books... it's the videos/dvds that i want.)

getting a lil too demanding here. i'll just wait till i get my own credit card.

on another note... the unallayed exhaustion of the past two weeks has caught up with me at last and i not only slept for at least 30 hours this weekend, but i've also (finally!) gotten sick... i hope it lasts long enough for me to skip the whole week of school (yah rite). ah well, 1 or 2 days would suffice.

i can't wait for christmas break!!! it's all that's keeping me going right now, i swear. what a miserable existence i lead...