i thought about it and i decided to delete my previous post. i think i was a little (okay a lot) too harsh... or at least vulgar.

i don't know... i guess it's no use making such a big deal over something that's already happened. granted, i was angry (ok, furious) when i first knew about it, but i don't suppose that gives me the right to talk that way. i am still very upset and i still feel that people should keep their promises and not act rashly, even if their intention is good. but if you look at it from the other side, i ought to say the same about myself. even if i was brimming with rage, i had no business cursing people that way. same difference. so i guess i just want to say that i'm sorry i couldn't - or didn't - control myself.

i do understand, though, that the two individuals (they ought to know who they are) who catalysed (and indeed set into motion) the whole string of events had their own justifiable reasons for what they did. justifiable in the sense that they meant for the best, never meant to harm anyone, on the contrary they were trying to help. nevertheless i maintain that they acted somewhat impulsively... didn't really think things through properly before taking action. true that in some cases there is no time to think, but hell, it wasn't like i was about to throw myself off the kl tower or something! if anyone knows anything about psychology, i guess it's kind of apparent that if a person shows manifestations of depression (as much as i hate to use that word - so cliched!) it's less likely that the person will really do anything drastic - as opposed to if someone doesn't say anything at all. i think most of the time such tragedies are unexpected - because if they were expected, then whoever expected them ought to shoot him/herself for not taking suitable action at an appropriate (i.e. earlier) time. plus i said myself - it's my "own desperate cry ... a plea to be answered before it's too late" - shows my awareness of the situation and the fact that i know i need help therefore i will get it myself thank you very much!

i think i digressed a little there - as i was saying, sure they meant well, but i would like to point out that normally in real life situations, if the counselor is told to keep something from somebody, that privacy is maintained - simply because the counselor knows that he/she (the counselor) does not (and cannot) ever fully know and/or comprehend the situation under which his/her client is suffering. and therefore if the client says that something ought to be kept confidential, he/she (the client) often if not always has reason enough to feel that way. in my case, for example, it was because i know my family members well enough - extended as well as immediate - to actually know what will happen if the confidentiality is not kept. and i knew that if it got out, everything would be duly screwed up in their own time. well, so maybe i underestimated the power of the mouth - it all happened within the hour; i never expected it to be that fast - but things proceeded as i had worried. and no amount of "sorry" can ever reverse that. i can and have forgiven - like i said, no point dwelling on the non-reversible - but that doesn't mean that the concerned parties will ever "un-know" what they have found out. and that screws up a lot of things for me.

well, not trying to pull a guilt trip on anyone, so i'll ease off here. just hope that this never happens again - if it ever has the chance to that is; i don't know when or how i'll ever trust that way anymore...!

oh the complexities of life. i hate fieldwork.

"and she asks herself, was that disappointment she felt when she saw his arms sliding slowly around her waist from behind? was it jealousy? and she asks herself, why? but deep down, she knows the answer."

What People Don't See
they see the smile on her face, they hear the perfectly natural laugh. they see red words handwritten, black numbers in print. they see the navy sweater and the cyan bag and the handphone and the wallet. but

they do not see the fears, they cannot know the lie that she lives out so flawlessly as a result of the years of practice they do not see the blood or the flash of the blade as it glints red and silver in the light of the lamp by the bed where she lies alone blinking back the tears so she can see to carve the lines in her skin they can't see the scars for the blue of the cloth they don't know the face behind the buttons or how her heart leaps with each buzz and the sound of that voice they cannot see how the searing pain helps or how the sight of the red beads numbs her mind her senses her heart so she can't feel it shatter they don't know how it aches when she hears those words or how she's writhing within herself they don't know the attraction she feels for the charm they can't see the sword slice through her each time they touch and the black nails reflect the light of the sun

they don't see, they can't see, it all passes them by. but deep down she knows it's her own desperate cry it's a plea to be answeredbeforeitstoolateandshehopessom eonenoticesbeforeshedecidesherownfate

when tish read my description, she said that the problem is that nowadays people think it's cool to sound angsty. i totally agree! and that's what's so sad about it, i think. because then people who really mean to question just begin to sound all cliched and boring. when she said that, i thought to change what i'd written - but then i decided against it because anybody who reads this blog won't know my premise (unless of course they know me and considerably well at that). so i'm taking the chance of sounding all contrived in order to communicate better to my readers... and for those who decide to detest me for that, well, they probably weren't worth writing for to begin with!

i'm having a serious problem with my epistemic loneliness. with each passing day i feel further and further away from the people to whom i should rightfully be the closest. it's not that i don't want to share, but there is always so much to say and so little time and words are always so limiting. and the fact that there is more than one person to share with makes it all the more tiring, because i have to repeat everything over again. it's not that i don't want to tell these people what's been going on, but sometimes i just can't be bothered. and it's sad because when communication grinds to a halt, essentially the relationship does too. and i wish we could share joys and sorrows the way we used to...